"No One's Gonna Love You" 2015-12-27 - 5:52 a.m.

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They told me once I had sex, that I was always going to want more.

And to an extent that's true, I find myself craving sex far more than I did when I was still a virgin.

But that's not what drives me crazy.

Because for all my sexual exploits, the only person who's ever made me cum is still G___; and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to have sex with her again.

And on top of that, my biggest sexual fetish, that I need in order to get off, is physically impossible.

So with those two factors, sex in and of itself isn't this big dramatic thing that I need to go get.

What I miss is feeling loved.

That feeling of getting off of a hard day at work and knowing that there's someone at home waiting for me.

Going to sleep next to someone with her cuddled up against me and my arm around her.

Having to go somewhere and she'd come with me and hold my hand, and it helped so much with my social anxiety.

Because if I want to get off I can masturbate. If I really wanted to and could afford it I could pay for sex.

Hell, for all my bitching I'm actually not bad looking; I could get cleaned up and go out and just lie my ass off to some chick until she sleeps with me, like most guys do.

But there's no website to go to for love. There's no one you can pay to give it to you for an hour, because it wouldn't be real.

There's no substitute for that feeling of someone who finds you attractive, and loves you, and wants to be with you and only you; and when you're with her and looking into her eyes it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist.

That is what, now that I've had it, I'm obsessed with finding it again.

So much so that it makes me insufferable. Far worse than any of the other guys who are just out looking to get laid at all costs.

It hurts so bad; and in turn makes me behave in ways that keep me from finding it again.

I shoot myself in the foot over and over.

And I'm really scared that maybe I won't ever find it again. Maybe that's just not something I'm meant to have.

So many people spend their lives alone; why should I believe that I'm not going to be one of them?

I spend so much time obsessing over G___ because I don't want to believe that that feeling ever goes away,

but obviously it does.

And so now what?

What exactly am I looking forward to?

Is it really all that different to lie to some chick and get her to date me than just pay a hooker to pretend for an hour?

It all goes away in the end anyway.

Blah.

I hate feeling like this, and thinking this way, but there's literally nothing I can do to stop it; I literally need someone else.

It's a fucking nightmare.

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