"Big Empty" 2016-03-31 - 3:07 a.m.

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So here's a conundrum for you:

I was with a girl tonight; and she was attractive, and I met her on a fetish dating site and our kinks line up perfectly; so the sex was full of all the kinky shit I love.

But she didn't make me cum.

G___ is the only woman who's ever been able to make me cum.

Nobody before her had ever been able to make me cum, and I figured it was just the girl; or the situation. I've been with two girls since she and I broke up, and neither of them have been able to do it either.

G___ made me cum every time. From the very first time when we were still getting to know each other; to the end of our relationship when we were fighting more than anything.

Kinks, no kinks, no matter how shitty a mood I was in, she always did it for me.

I thought maybe I just wasn't into big girls, but this girl tonight wasn't big.

What the fuck does that mean for me?

Even putting aside the romance and the feelings; what does it mean when there's only one person out there who can make you cum, and they never want to be with you again?

She clearly doesn't have that problem; and if she does it doesn't bother her.

Next month we'll have been apart for as long as we were together. I've been struggling every day with the romantic aspects of being without her, telling myself I'm just a fool; that once I meet somebody new that'll go away.

I don't even want to get into that right now.

But seriously, what does it mean if only one person can make you cum and you can never be with them again?

Is that supposed to mean something? If it signifies some bond she obviously doesn't feel it.

If it had just been a problem after her I'd chalk it up to me being hung up on her and it's some psychological block I have to work through; but nobody before her ever did it either.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I mean, I guess it's the same answer as it always is; whether it's romantic or sexual:

Keep trying. Just keep plugging away and hope that the next girl is the one who'll take my mind off of her and fill the hole in my heart and get me off.

She obviously had no problem replacing me.

But Goddamn is it hard not to feel achingly, terrifyingly alone when you hit a realization like this.

I mean Christ, as if I didn't have enough problems.

And what am I supposed to do? Identify as "asexual except for this one girl who'll never be with me again"?

Goddamnit.

It's a really good thing I don't have any whiskey right now or I probably wouldn't be making it to work tomorrow.

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