"Round and Round" 2015-12-05 - 8:11 a.m.

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I can't believe I'm posting so much.

I really feel like I'm going crazy.

My anxiety focus today, which is a thought that's been clanging around in my head anyway;

is what if she gets pregnant?

What if they decide to have a kid together?

It'd be a huge sign of commitment and probably mean they wouldn't be breaking up anytime soon;

and even if they do break up, she'll be tied to him forever,

so then if she came back to me; I'd have to help her raise the kid she had with the guy she chose over me.

Just crazy, unhealthy stuff.

I guess if I have one saving grace it's that I'm not bothering anyone else with this.

I don't talk to anyone about it; least of all her.

It's just me, and my anxiety, and this diary.

Sometimes I think maybe that's what I needed.

I feel like I never got a proper catharsis between us;

maybe if we'd talked about it, we could've reached an understanding, gotten on the same page.

But she wouldn't do it; still refused to do it even the last time I talked to her.

She'd rather just tell me all kinds of awful shit about how much she hated being with me and could never be with me again; all so I don't "get my hopes up" and try and come after her some more.

And it hurt really really bad; made me feel like shit and eroded my confidence.

But it didn't work because obviously the feelings are still there.

And honestly maybe she's right, maybe there's nothing she could ever say that would make me let go.

Sometimes I think she's just afraid to talk about things because she knows she'd just wind up admitting that she does still love me.

But that's probably too optimistic.

I just hate this so much, I don't want to be this guy; I don't want to still be thinking about her like this.

But not only is it not going away I feel like it's only getting worse.

And I'm staying away and not being a creep, which I think is the right thing to do;

and I'm not whining about her anywhere else but here;

and I'm looking for a new girlfriend;

but the thoughts and feelings and anxiety attacks just keep coming and coming and coming.

The one last straw of hope I have to grasp at is that last time we saw each other.

I wasn't the only one gushing about my feelings; I wasn't kissing myself. She was the one who asked to spend the night at my house.

I didn't do that, or control her.

So she must have strong feelings for me too;

unless she's just the most ruthless manipulator I've ever even heard of.

It doesn't do me any good, really; but at least it lets me know that it's not just me.

That even if she won't admit it she has, or at least had, strong feelings for me too.

Ugh.

I hate this so, so much.

I got over S____ by accepting the fact that I was going to be alone forever, that no one would ever love me.

And met G___ immediately after, ironically enough.

But that doesn't work with G___; because everytime I start telling myself "well, that's it, just resign myself to solitude";

there's still that nagging doubt that maybe she'll come back someday.

Maybe not for decades, but maybe someday.

The only thing that would break that hope would be if she died, and I don't want that.

Because I know myself, and then I'd just resign myself to talking to her in the afterlife; convince myself that she was still with me, as a spirit.

Even more fucking crazy than I am now.

I just don't know what else to do.

I can't turn my brain off.

Believe me, I spent years trying, even before I met her.

And now it always comes back to her.

Fucking ridiculous.

I don't know how much longer I can stand it, but I don't know how to stop it; there is no way out.

I hope I meet someone else soon and she blows my mind and makes me forget all about G___.

Sadly I think that's even less likely than G___ just coming back to me.

*sigh*

I hate myself.

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