"Bizarre Love Triangle" 2014-06-01 - 2:12 a.m.

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So, apparently people have been leaving me notes for YEARS that I have been completely unaware of.

There's no notifications on here, so I just... didn't know.

Sorry.

I'm kinda blown away right now, give me a sec.

Anyway, onto our regularly scheduled programming.

I am genuinely scared that I'm incapable of connecting with other human beings.

I mean, I felt an instant connection with G____, but that shit obviously didn't work out so hot.

So that leaves me with a few uncomfortable options.

Either I'm meant to be with G___, and we should try and work through our shit.

Or K_____ is just not for me and I should look elsewhere.

Or I am somehow deficient in some way. Which is obviously the way I'm leaning, given that I have such trouble in even the most shallow/platonic connections.

None of those options sound very good to me.

I...

If I'm being 100% honest a lot of the reason I feel more comfortable as a woman; is that I know how to handle being pursued.

I suck at pursuing.

And really, in a larger sense that goes back to the whole "what are gender roles"? Discussion I've been having with myself that is a huge issue in my thought process on transitioning and what it means to be a man or a woman or gender fluid or etc.

I haven't really shared that on here because this is really my emotional garbage dump.

Or maybe I have, I'm so drunk when I write here most of the times I don't even remember my last several entries.

But yeah.

I went on a date tonight, if you need context.

And if you need context, I can't imagine you'd be reading this in the first place.

lawl

And yeah, what I want to do is wait and see if she contacts me first to see if she's interested or not.

But shit doesn't work that way in Murica

I have the dick so I have to contact her first.

But not too soon or else it's...

something. I never quite figured that part out.

I guess it makes me seem desperate?

Because I'm the Big Stoic Man who doesn't need anyone else?

Shit man, I don't even know anymore.

There's a very real part of me that just wants to be like:

"Hey, if you want to date me again: here's what you need to know: I have gender issues and I like fat girls and I have X fetish and I'd like to share that with you; and if that's all cool with you then let's proceed with that; otherwise it's probably not even worth it."

But that's not cool, right?

I mean, that's bad form to just be like: "hey, it's our second date: here's all my shit"

right?

I'm SOOOO bad at this.

You can call me whatever you want, but the truth is I have serious issues connecting with people.

I may be incapable of it, as previously stated.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do at any given moment.

Like, how long do I make small talk before I bring up something serious?

How much do I share and when?

When do I start putting my arm around her?

When do I go in for the kiss?

Do I tell her what she wants to hear or just be deadpan fucking honest 100% of the time?

Not that I'm like "this stupid bitch, blah blah blah" or something

but like,

I just don't know!

that's the whole point

I don't know how many of you are reading from Murica

but this shooting that just happened

it's brought up a lot of stuff about Men's Rights Activists vs Women

basically

haha

there's no other designation

it's this sub-class of men vs women as a whole

apparently

and it just feels a little weird

because the men's side of things are representing this subset of men that, I personally, feel deserves consideration

in the WORST POSSIBLE FUCKING WAY ever conceived

Because yeah, in Murica there are VERY strict societal rules/expectations on the interactions between men and women

men are expected to behave a certain way, and women are expected to behave another

and, even the most ardent feminists are not fighting to change that standard

I mean, believe me, I'm all for equal wages and equal rights and treating men and women equal

but doesn't it follow that if that's the case, women should sometimes make the first move?

They should ask the guy out, or move in for the kiss first, or pay for dinner, etc?

Because if we're being completely honest, yes:

some guys have difficulties with that kind of thing

a lot, apparently

but women aren't reaching out for understanding on that particular front

and the only men who are talking about it are doing it in the most DIPSHIT, hostile, fucked up way possible

and now the first person to bring this topic up on the national stage does it by going on a killing spree

It just makes me want to retreat from society even more

This discussion will never be had without hostility

period

that's the conclusion we've come to as a society

and don't get me wrong and think I'm attacking women

I mean, I'm kind of a woman myself

but I'm also a selfish one

I just think there should be a dialogue that's not:

"some men have trouble making the first move" / "well women don't want to be raped"

I mean, you can see how those are two separate issues right?

but it'll never happen rationally

I just want zombies

for real

I'm really starting to feel like a supervillain

in that every fucking day it seems more and more like society at large is incapable of rational discussion

that it may, in fact, be too sick to survive

and, you know, what do you do about that?

What box do you check on a ballot to fix that problem?

I'm not planning on going on a shooting spree

I don't want to try and teach society anything

well, I do

but I'm not disillusioned enough to think I can

I don't expect everyone to change just because it's right

so to step down off my soapbox I'm very sad

as usual

and I can't think of anything to do about it

I guess I'll just keep playing videogames and getting drunk

and maybe, someday, something won't go wrong for me

but probably not

it'll probably be horrible forever

and you know, the obvious advice is: well, fix it

and man am I trying

but like, how?

for real

"just make double the money you're making now, no problem"

"just learn how to connect with people"

"just figure out a gender identity that works for you, and don't worry about what anyone else says"

I get through life one day at a time, because I can handle it that way.

Looking at the bigger picture, all I want to do is curl up in the dark and cry forever.

Nothing I do ever works.

It's all a big circle.

I'm just as big of a dipshit now as I was when I started this fucking piece of shit diary.

Nothing gets better.

It's all a joke, mother forgive me.

self disgust is self obsession honey and I do as I please

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