"I Found Away" 2014-04-06 - 3:12 a.m.

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I'm fairly confident that no one is reading this now.

It kinda makes it feel pointless writing here.

But I kinda figure if and when I kill myself, I'll leave the address as my suicide note.

I mean, what could be better?

A ten year history of the dark side of my personality.

A full, documented explanation of everything leading up to it.

Reading the last several entries, I figure G___ in particular would benefit.

Seeing my side of the story, uninhibited;

written with no thought she would read it.

I considered giving it to her now, when I'm still alive.

So to speak.

I think it was X that had the line "you couldn't call that living really"

or something very similar

I don't remember what I said last time

the downside of always writing drunk I guess

I never felt like going back to read it

the shit I write in here I write it here because I don't want to revisit it.

It's the journal

the black diary

the fucking... something that sounds cool

the ledger of my darkside

here to be read after the fact

I don't think I could even talk to someone who read this now, when I'm alive

and if my life works out and I don't kill myself

then I guess this is just rhetorical

masturbatory

so as of right now I've decided I can't go through with transitioning

it's basically impossible in T____

I mean, there's that whole group I went to, they all did it

and there has to be others that weren't there

but I can't seem to get ahead

and seeing as how I can't even afford to move out of my parents' house

my hopes are low

and I mean, shit

it's so abstract

gender is something imposed on you by biology and society in conjunction

I've never paid much attention to where I fit in society

I guess somehow I cared more about biology?

the truth is if I found a girl who would be alright with me wearing makeup and pretty clothes I probably wouldn't even worry about transitioning

that's what I've realized lately

and if I'm living my life trying to adhere to what some girl wants of me, am I really living?

that's the space I've found myself occupying mentally lately

should I shave my body hair?

I like doing it, but would a girl care?

do I care if this hypothetical person would care?

and etc.

both in terms of who would care and what I'm doing

I mean, yeah, shit, if I ever find a genie, that's wish one: become a girl

but really, I guess if I were completely, 100% honest

it's not as if I ever really hated my body

I hate the way I'm expected to act as a man

I hate the way society portrayed me before I even showed up

men act this way and that way

and I was born with a dick so I gotta act that way

I mean, it's so ephemeral

my boss is way more masculine than me

and she's a chick

a bull dyke, but, you know

and I mean, it's not like anybody I know ever questions the idea that I'm a guy

would getting my body cut up really help matters?

would it make me feel more myself?

it seems like it's some kind of double cross

let go of society and transform yourself into a woman so you can be what society thinks a woman is

I like makeup and dresses and I'm femme as fuck

but I still like cars and straight whiskey and violence

but so did G____

or maybe

I found out after the fact most of that shit was a lie

or half-truth or whatever

I mean, what am I doing this for?

and what am I even doing?

who am I waiting for?

that's why I want everyone to die

lawl

if everyone died and it was just me and the zombies I'd be much more comfortable

I don't really know what to do around other people

that's my whole problem I guess

I thought I found a confidant in M_____

I thought I found one in G____ too I guess

G____ is ok

I can still talk to her

even if...

I guess she never really understood

or didn't want to

or did but put herself first

but M______

for almost ten years now I thought he was the one person on earth I could really trust

I mean, if you've been reading this...

A- you know I haven't had much luck in that department

and B- you know how seriously I mean that; mainly because of A

but lately he's been really cagey

and... I can't help but think,

is it me?

did I say something weird?

He knows about my desire to transition

did that weird him out?

I mean, is it his own shit holding him back or is it me?

I mean, shit

I don't know

I'm so bad at talking to other people

and even with him I have to be drunk

I have problems

big shocker to anyone here, I know

but I just... literally can't bring myself to talk about anything unless I'm drunk

it's why therapy never worked for me

I guess

shit man, I don't know

I'm a damn mystery to me

but I guess for now I'm a boy

for whatever that means

and everybody's like

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