"Damage Case" 2014-07-05 - 2:32 a.m.

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There's about a million different things I want to say

now that I know people are reading this it's kind of given me stage fright, made me think a little differently

I've been feeling I should clarify shit I said last time, out of some sense of social responsibility

but does it really matter?

I'm realizing I don't really matter to anyone.

I could die right this second; and sure, there are a few people who'd cry at my funeral, but then I would be buried and just slip away

and no one's life would be worsened by my loss

in a way I suppose it's a bit admirable

leave no trace of your passing, bring no hurt upon others

but it doesn't feel particularly good

mostly I'm afraid that I'm no different than my sister

self-righteous, self-absorbed; inconsiderate

only willing to tolerate others in as much as they adhere to my designs

I tell myself I'm not

I take pains to see myself through others' eyes and do my best to be good and accommodating and friendly

but assholes and villains never see themselves as such

they always think they're the good guys

the hero of their own story

how would I know?

I always want to say to my sister:

"doesn't the fact that you have no friends and have never been laid mean anything to you?"

as I sit alone with all my plans cancelled

I don't see my college friends enough

and that's my fault

my in-town group of friends has fallen apart

it's basically just three of us now

and shit's fucked with M_____

my best friend for ten years

then he decides he'd rather fuck my ex than be my friends

except Whoopes; she doesn't want him

so now he's all depressed and in love with her

and somehow that's my fault

or something

because he's pushed away from me

and I have to admit I'm not all that eager to make things work with him either

I mean, that hurts, you know?

my best friend for ten years

although, as he was so fond of telling me:

"I have lots of best friends"

and then that doesn't matter because he really wants to fuck my ex

it's shitty

and then there's other stuff

no matter how much I try and figure that I'm a man and it's all good

I am absolutely dying to be a woman

I wish I was phrasing this better

I'm watching a movie and drunk

it just...

it makes me so happy to be feminine

the simplest things

the slightest female clothing or mannerism

even just being called a "girl"

in a non-insulting way

it's like a wave of relief

like cool water on a hot day

no matter how many ways I think about it I feel like that's what I really am inside

but I'll never be that on the outside

even if I could come up with $80,000

and assuming all the surgeries go right

I'd only ever be a guy cut up to look like a girl

and it kills me

and I keep thinking, if I could just come up with the money; I'd give it a try anyway

but where the fuck am I gonna come up with that money?

I mean, shit

'Murica, land of the free

as long as you can afford it

the rub is that nowadays no one can afford it

and I'm having issues as a man as well

I went out with K_____

and neither of us seemed all that impressed

and she told me "I don't know if I see you as more than a friend"

and then she decided to move with LA

but then we hung out again and it went great

and we've been talking more, even now that she's in LA

and, we get along well

but she's in LA

with all intent to stay there for the foreseeable future

so...

and there's this cute girl at work that I was thinking about talking to

cause damn am I smooth

but it turns out she's gay!

which doesn't do me a whole lot of good in my present condition.

I mean, what am I supposed to say?

"No, really, I'm a girl. You have to believe me."

Like anyone gives a shit.

It probably just makes me weirder.

And get this shit

so, there's a girl on fb

she knows a lot of people I know

and she's cute

I actually saw her at the bar while I was out with K_____ and didn't realize

she has a GIANT ass

anyway...

I messaged her to say "hi"

turns out she was on her way to a comic convention out of state

so I was all "ok, I'm sure you're busy, I'll wait til you get back to bother you"

cause that's sexy, right?

she met a fucking guy at the comic con

not that I think that was going anywhere anyway

but like, really?

I say "hi" and IMMEDIATELY she meets someone else?

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty is really good, by the way, I think I'm gonna start crying

but yeah

it really feels like God is trying to tell me something

and G___, the only girl I have successfully dated,

has now met someone else

that feels good

I know I dumped her

but she really used me, and made me feel like shit

and I tried so hard to make her happy

but it was never enough

and I know I had gender issues and that shit's rough

but it's not like I chose that

I tried my best to make her happy

and she just gave up and didn't give a shit until I broke up with her

and then she fucked my best friend

and broke his heart

and fucked up our friendship

and now she's just going on and meeting someone else

and he's buying her shit

and it's working out

and she gets to be happy

and here I am getting drunk and writing on fucking diaryland again

you know, she's still driving my car

with the license I basically forced her to get

and watching Netflix that I pay for

on the X-Box that I bought her

that she only uses for Netflix

and I'm still the first person she calls for help

but she can't fucking hang out with me

and she's done dating me

and now she's got some nice new guy to be there for her

everything works out in the end

You know it's fucked up when you think about killing yourself completely rationally

it's one thing when you're drunk and depressed and you get all suicidal

it's another when you're at work and you just casually think

"you know what? I think it's time to call it a day"

as calm as thinking about stopping for gas on the way home

and there's no red flags or warning klaxons

the rational part of your brain that usually saves you is just like: "yeah, ok"

fuck, man

there was something else...

that I wanted to bitch about

does it matter?

oh, yeah

I can't connect with people

I was worried about it last time

I'm just soooooooooooooooo

fucked

I needed so much help, for so long

and nobody cared

at all

it's all here, man, if you've been reading

"quit being a bitch"

and then...

I got my shit together

and now all of a sudden everybody else has problems and wants my help

including people who didn't want to fucking hear me before

and it's just like: "what do you want me to say?"

and I know, because even when I have tried to help people before

I listen and give them my best advice...

do whatever I can to help

and it doesn't help

no one cares

they're still just as fucked up as before

and just as upset

and it doesn't seem to give them even momentary comfort

and I know from experience the only way to solve your problems is yourself, no one else can

so when people come to me with that shit I just...

don't have the energy

because I'm such a good guy, you know?

that's the problem with depression

you want to be heard but you don't want to hear

no one wants to hear

so now I don't either

and does that help anyone?

neither did hearing

we are all of us on our own, until we die

and probably moreso then

and as a person who has always been shy

and was always put down, and brow-beaten

and mocked

and bullied

and ignored

and rejected

I don't have the best fucking social skills

so I'm sorry I can't fucking help you

as you can see, I'm this close to firing my brand new 1911 for the very first time right into my own fucking head

but I'm fighting it

it doesn't mean I'm in any position to help anyone else

and even people who don't need help and just want to talk

fuck man, what am I gonna say?

I'm a self-absorbed tranny

and eventually you'll just ignore me anyway

so I'm just gonna get quietly drunk by myself

for the rest of my life

and the hell with it

and I'll come here and bitch

and random people will read it

and someday I'll die

and that will be that

no one will even notice

and maybe that's for the best

Sweet Dreams

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