"destroy everything you touch" 2012-08-02 - 8:10 a.m.

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I don't know what to say most of the time.

Saying that nothing I've ever said or felt just doesn't seem good enough seems like a massive understatement.

There's this dark, horrible thing inside of me.

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better.

It's just there.

Thick and evil and waiting,

behind every word, every touch, every thought

and no one cares.

It's so fucking easy to fake this smile.

The polite words, the jokes, the face I show the world.

It's all a fucking load of horseshit and it just doesn't matter.

I feel like this should show through, but either it doesn't or no one notices.

I don't know which is worse.

I finally got everything I ever wanted.

She's sleeping not five feet from me.

And it still hurts.

It still fucking hurts.

I just don't know what to say.

"You make me so happy, but it's still there."

God bless her, I think she really would understand.

But it still fucking hurts.

And I'm so fucking scared,

that all this sex-change stuff I'm talking about will end up the same.

I'll go through with it,

bottom surgery and all,

and I'll still be just as miserable.

I mean, I still want it.

And I still want her.

And I'm not sure if I can have both.

Given the choice I'd pick her.

but...

why doesn't anything fix this?

no matter how much fun I have

no matter how much whiskey I drink

no matter how feminine I am

no matter how in love I am

it still fucking hurts

all the time

behind my eyes

in my fingers

along my spine

I just don't know what to say anymore

If I live through the night it'll be all right
it'll make a good song or something
i've been trying to give myself reasons to live
and i really can't think of one thing

i drive around, i walk around in circles
'cause i've got no sense of direction
i guess i've got no sense at all

all the umbrellas in london couldn't stop this rain
and all the dope in new york couldn't kill this pain
and all the money in tokyo couldn't make me stay
all the umbrellas in london couldn't stop this rain

i don't cry anymore, i'll walk out the door
and i usually keep on walking
i'll sit in a bar where the cocktails are
but i really don't feel like talking

i lie around and let the darkness fall
'cause i've got a sense of perfection
and nothing makes much sense at all

all the umbrellas in london couldn't stop this rain
and all the dope in new york couldn't kill this pain
and all the money in tokyo couldn't make me stay
all the umbrellas in london couldn't stop this rain

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