"16 Foot Scarf Bondage" 2014-02-23 - 2:21 a.m.

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I've felt vulnerable here ever since I found out you could get here just by googling my name.

I don't know if you still can. I think I fixed it, but I'm not sure. Moreover; I'm not sure if anyone who found it the first time hasn't stopped visiting.

Mom, Dad, if you're reading this and you know I'm trans, just tell me. It'll make it a lot easier on all of us.

G___ turned out to not be the miracle I thought she was.

That's life, right?

One person for everyone? Come on.

I'm so different from the person who started writing here.

I'm not sure I even recognize them as me.

But the problems remain.

Same shit, different asshole.

Wish I could take credit for that one.

I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

There's so many choices ahead of me.

No right or wrong.

Just shades of grey.

Do I make things worse this way or that way?

That's over-dramatic.

It's better, over all.

The kid who started writing this;

my shit is way better than his shit.

Every day I think about how much better my life is than it was ten years ago.

Shit, fifteen years ago.

I guess if I've learned one lesson, it's that life is all about control.

As foretold by Ian Curtis.

I have so much more control now.

I strive for more.

Controlling myself is the ultimate goal.

Still working for it.

I want someone who will control me.

Not so much that I lose control.

That's a good conundrum.

A mystery wrapped in an enigma, etc.

Life

to sum it up.

Fuck if I know anymore.

I don't even know what gender I am.

It's all so defined by what people think of you.

How they perceive you.

And if you want more than one option there's societal stigma;

and so many costly surgeries

I mean, I can buy a box of .45 bullets for $30

I only need one.

Not that I'm really suicidal.

Not anymore.

But damn, wouldn't it be easier?

It keeps popping in my head.

Wouldn't it be soooo much easier?

But I won't do it.

So I guess I just have to make some of these choices.

I mean, what the fuck else am I gonna do?

Sweet Dreams

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