"Searching For A Former Clarity" 2012-07-05 - 6:09 a.m.

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I've had the stomach flu, so all of a sudden I'm awake when I'm usually going to sleep.

I read some of my older entries, from 02-03, trying to figure out the name of my old therapist

and... I'd forgotten just how bad things were

some of the shit my parents said to me

I always seem depressed here, because this is where I write when I'm depressed.

But even though things are shitty [in some ways] for me right now

I might as well be in an alternate universe from those days.

Jesus Christ.

it was so miserable.

I feel depressed now just thinking about it;

but it's such a shadow of what it used to be.

I guess that's what ten years will do, but damn.

Everything seems worse right now because I'm violently sick,

which is causing problems at work, and keeping me from seeing G___

I don't know.

She's not handling the whole transition thing as well as I keep telling myself she is.

We'll start to talk about something and she'll just bring it up, in a negative way.

I think she's just trying to understand why, and I'm taking it the wrong way.

But I wish I could take it back.

I wish I'd never told her.

I guess I still have the out of being able to talk to my therapist, and coming back and saying "it's ok, I'm cured!"

but I hate lying to her.

I don't know.

I thought, for a minute there, that I could really have everything I wanted.

I could have the love of my life, and she'd support me,

and I could transition

and maybe my friends and family would accept me too

and I wouldn't be a real woman, but maybe sometimes I could forget

and maybe everything isn't as hard and mean as I've always thought

but that's just not the case

It's starting to seem more and more like I can have her, or the transition; one or the other

and I pick her

every time

I told her that

but I can't just take it back now

I mean... I don't mind, really

yeah, sure, in a perfect world I'd be a woman

but at best I'm going to spend lots of time and money on a process to be kinda/sorta a woman

and jeopardize everything important to me in my life

I mean, at a certain point: fuck it

I'd rather just be with G___, and who really cares if I get to dress the way I want and wear makeup or just have to wear jeans and drink a lot?

I mean...

I doubt I'll ever be really happy anyway

I'd probably go through with everything and then at some point I'd find something else to be miserable about

at least now I've got a good thing going

why fuck it all up just so I can wear cute underwear?

I like the people I know, and they know me a certain way; and in the end it's more important to me to make them happy than it is to make myself happy

and then there's thinking about having kids someday,

I'm not the world's most masculine man,

but it does seem better for them to have a dad

like all these shitbag anti-gay marriage fucks are saying

to have a masculine presence there to be the enforcer

as opposed to having to explain to all the other kids at school that they have two mommys

that one of them used to be their daddy but he had surgery

looking at it in some kind of meta-context, outside of our lives;

given the choice I would sacrifice my womanhood in order to provide that for them

like in some alternate reality we really were a lesbian couple; but something went horribly wrong, and so I said "the hell with it, I'll be a guy" so we can get married and have kids and everything would be easier

I can see myself doing that

it makes me feel better about myself

Ugh, my head is killing me

I feel like I'm drunk but I'm just sick

and G___'s mad at me

I think

and I wish I hadn't said anything at all

like o, like h