"the same old song" 2011-03-16 - 2:47 a.m.

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so, I've been thinking about S____ a lot lately.

It's annoying.

But I'm realizing how lucky I was to have found her.

If you look at it from an objective standpoint.

She wasn't a huge nerd, but she knew enough about videogames that I could talk to her about them;

she didn't have great taste in music, but she liked some good bands; she didn't listen to top 40

she had good taste in movies

and yeah, she wasn't that hot; but she wasn't unattractive

of course, the biggest thing with her was that she got my fucked up jokes; and could keep up with me on them, she even topped me a bunch of times

you know, until she didn't.

And I mean, I kinda feel bad, but on the other hand I really don't.

That was one situation that genuinely wasn't my fault.

I just never had a real chance,

I'm not gonna explain it any more; but this is coming from the guy who blames himself for everything, so when I say it's not my fault, trust me.

I don't know, it doesn't mean anything really

Just kinda mad she's on my mind again, to be honest

and, you know, mad that I got so close but was still so far

I mean, who the fuck is out there like that?

it's nothing I haven't bitched about before

I talked to a girl at the bar the other day

wasn't really my choice, my friend just started talking to her for me; and then made it clear it would be a problem if I didn't follow up

he then proceeded to sit right over my shoulder and cut in on the conversation when he thought it appropriate, making sure I'd never get anywhere with her

but you know, it's the thought that counts

either way, God she was so boring

she could've been all over me and I don't think I would've cared

and it just kind of struck me, you know, about S____

it sucks

but there's nothing I can do now

she proved herself to be a horrible fucking person, I don't want her back,

it's just academically, you know

whatever

and then I'm thinking about L____ a lot again

not that I haven't said her name before here or anything...

I can't shake the thought that maybe she is the girl for me

but I'll never be able to shake the thought that I only ever think that about her when there's no one else, that she's my "fall back"; she's safe, and if it was a different situation I wouldn't be interested

some days you just can't win for losing

I don't know

ten years from now I'll probably be pissed at myself that I didn't try harder to bang that boring chick

I'll probably be pissed at myself that I kept putting off trying anything with L____

you know, kinda like how I look back at myself ten years ago and get pissed at myself about things

but whatever

if there's one thing I have learned, it's that I'll always be pissed at myself about something

I could be a millionaire with a beautiful wife and number one albums and best selling books and fucking blockbuster movies; with loving children and the whole fucking nine

and I'd still find something to be upset about

I need pills, or therapy, or something more than this fucking whiskey

but you know, "Marines make due"

fuck, if only

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