"The Persistance Of Loss" 2011-03-03 - 4:17 a.m.

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I was going to post this on my facebook, but I don't think they'd get it:

"if you want to understand me, watch "It's Kind Of A Funny Story" about 2/3 of the way through, and stop it before it improves; then watch "500 Days Of Summer" 2/3 of the way through, before he gets his shit together; and then listen to the live version of Disorder by Joy Divison. That's me in a nutshell."

which, is basically true.

But I mean, the best that would happen is:

one of my friends would make some joke comment, and one or two of them would "like" it

and nothing would happen

more likely; it would just drop down the "wall" until no one could see it anymore, and no one would notice

and nothing would change

no one would suddenly understand me

at the risk of sounding melodramatic:

if they didn't get it when I explained it to their face they're not gonna get it just because of some movie and music recommendations

of course, reading it back to myself; and thinking about it; it makes me wonder:

am I 2/3 of the way through my own story?

is the chick I'll magically bump into who's perfect for me be just around the next corner?

am I just shy of figuring out exactly what I need to do to fix my life and getting my shit together?

it reminds me a lot of my favorite religion joke:

"A town is hit with natural-disaster level rains. Torrential downpour. It starts to flood, and so they start to evacuate people in buses.

A bus goes to the local chapel, and someone tells the priest: "Come on Father, we've got a bus, let's get out of here."

The Priest says: "Don't worry about it my son, God will save me."

So the bus pulls away.

Things get worse, the levees break, whatever, shit gets bad. They start evacuating the stubborn people in rafts.

A raft pulls up to the chapel, someone tells The Priest:

"Father, come on, we've got a raft, let's get out of here."

The Priest says:

"Don't worry about it my son, God will save me."

The raft leaves.

Shit gets even worse. The town is completely swallowed. The Priest is now sitting on the roof of the chapel. A helicopter comes.

"Father, we need to get out of here, hop on."

"Don't worry about it my son, God will save me."

The helicopter leaves.

The storm worsens, and the town is swallowed by the water. The Priest drowns. He gets to heaven, and he meets God; he asks Him:

"Why didn't you save me?"

And God says:

"I sent you a bus, a raft, and a helicopter; what more do you want from me?""

Everyone laughs.

Curtains.

Etc.

I've always loved that joke because it describes exactly how I feel about religion;

or God, I suppose, because "religion" is a separate debate

but I don't think He opens up the clouds and fucking talks to you like Monty Python and The Holy Grail;

He's much more subtle.

But the relevance is:

My life has been shit for the past five years now.

Roughly.

It's been my fault, by and large;

but I keep hoping for some sign, something to tell me it's worth trying

something to get me out of this funk

but it just keeps getting worse and worse

the pattern of my life the past couple years has been:

it gets worse, and I adapt, and I start to think "ok, I can deal with this"; and then it gets worse

repeat at your leisure

and...

looking at things, now, with this revelation that I thought was Hot Fire a moment ago;

am I missing the signs?

am I getting buses and rafts and fucking helicopters and just blowing them off?

my greatest fear is that I'll get to whatever afterlife there is; and God will say to me that my stomach isn't any worse than either of my grandfathers'

both of whom served in the Navy

that my anxiety, and depression, and problems;

aren't any worse than anyone else's

that I really was just a bitch

and, maybe it's just a sore spot for me,

but I'd hate to think I spent all this time waiting for "A Sign"

only to find out I was tripping over them

and I'm not fucking stupid

I don't expect God to bail me out

I know it comes back to me

I have to be the one to fix this, to pull myself out

but for... at least five years now

depending on how you look at it

shorter, longer, depending

everything I have ever done has ended in failure; and only served to worsen my life

I don't think it's unreasonable of me to be afraid

of everything

and I'm exaggerating because I'm drunk

but I'm definitely not living up to my potential

and it's because experience teaches me otherwise

and I could go back and forth on here about why or how or what the fuck ever

but the fact fucking is:

I want someone to talk to

I want just one of my Goddamn friends to understand me

or maybe, you know, it'd be nice if someone in my family did

if I could just talk about this with someone...

but hey, if you're gonna ask for something, why not ask for all of it, right?

If I'm gonna ask for someone to fucking understand me, why not ask for a genie that'll grant me a wish for all my problems to be solved?

it amounts to the same fucking thing

I am stuck here until I fix myself

any advice on how to do that would be greatly appreciated

but, you know, that whole thing about asking...

I just put my hand down

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