"Cynic" 2011-02-23 - 2:13 a.m.

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there's so much running through my head

my car was stolen last week, and recovered last night;

and the sense of violation, of betrayal by my fellow man, is unspeakable

I got my dad's patented "you need to do something with your life" speech again, on the ride to pick it up

and the older gentleman who did my taxes talked with me along a similar vein

and so my life, and my problems, are running through my head

although that's not really anything new

filtering it through the anger of being taken advantage of; and the rage against "karma" or "fate" and those ideals has given it a new spin

and then I just watched "It Might Get Loud", which has me thinking about music again

the way I play guitar, what I want to play, what I want to do

and it all kind of meshes together really

I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough,

as if finally, together; these ideas have made a tasty new snack

but it's nothing I haven't thought, or said before

in the end it comes down to action versus thought

and the idea of limitation;

I've always known what I need to do,

I've always known exactly what I'm doing wrong,

but I've always been so limited

my attempts to break my routine, to change things, have always ended in failure

and not just failure, but failure so bad that it leaves me worse off than before

and so for the millionth time, I find myself questioning:

am I really limited, or am I limiting myself?

I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the middle

as in:

"yeah, shit's not great for me; but I could pull it out with enough effort"

and then we come back to the old struggle of nihilism versus optimism

or maybe fatalism versus defiance

I...

don't have an answer

and I don't feel like beating myself up over the same old argument

which is what I'll be doing for the rest of the night anyway

so let's try this:

I watched "Revolver" the other day

extremely mediocre movie

it's a painfully overwrought statement that ego is the ultimate evil

crossed with a poorly developed crime story

hardly worth mentioning except for the fact that,

as someone with little to no ego,

who has always given freely, and put myself last; and tortured myself mercilessly for any self-centered action I've done,

I can say that ego is not the ultimate evil

sure, unchecked ego is one of the worst sins

putting yourself above others, in a real and pervasive sense; is bad

no reason to over elaborate

however,

the idea that you are important, and special, and deserving of happiness; is necessary

if you think I'm wrong, read this fucking diary, from the beginning

stripping yourself of ego to the point where you feel you don't deserve anything is nothing but harmful to you

to the point where any good you could do or contribute is wasted

but on the other hand,

maybe that is my ego

I happened to get an inverse ego

because I definitely recognize the idea of the harmful voice in your head that the movie presents as ego; the villain in the end

and the idea that I'm worthless, that I have nothing to contribute, that I will always fail;

that is my ego

it's just the opposite of the recognized model

because it certainly causes me to be selfish, in my own way,

and sabotages the actions I attempt and relationships I have

not that that makes the movie any better

but it's an interesting discussion, for me personally anyway,

I don't know that it would translate to anyone else

I guess it's the age old question,

(again, for me anyway)

was Local H right, or was The High Speed Scene?

I will say one thing,

I wish I could have the clear sense of purpose and direction that most people seem to have

my life seems to be a muddled fog, that I stumble through to no real effect; while everyone else seems to be going somewhere

"where others see their targets I can't see anything"

right?

who fucking knows anymore, man?

but hey, guess what?

It's about two forty-five in the morning,

time to drink (even more) and listen to Elliott Smith

forever is over