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"Cynic" 2011-02-23 - 2:13 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj there's so much running through my head my car was stolen last week, and recovered last night; and the sense of violation, of betrayal by my fellow man, is unspeakable I got my dad's patented "you need to do something with your life" speech again, on the ride to pick it up and the older gentleman who did my taxes talked with me along a similar vein and so my life, and my problems, are running through my head although that's not really anything new filtering it through the anger of being taken advantage of; and the rage against "karma" or "fate" and those ideals has given it a new spin and then I just watched "It Might Get Loud", which has me thinking about music again the way I play guitar, what I want to play, what I want to do and it all kind of meshes together really I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough, as if finally, together; these ideas have made a tasty new snack but it's nothing I haven't thought, or said before in the end it comes down to action versus thought and the idea of limitation; I've always known what I need to do, I've always known exactly what I'm doing wrong, but I've always been so limited my attempts to break my routine, to change things, have always ended in failure and not just failure, but failure so bad that it leaves me worse off than before and so for the millionth time, I find myself questioning: am I really limited, or am I limiting myself? I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the middle as in: "yeah, shit's not great for me; but I could pull it out with enough effort" and then we come back to the old struggle of nihilism versus optimism or maybe fatalism versus defiance I... don't have an answer and I don't feel like beating myself up over the same old argument which is what I'll be doing for the rest of the night anyway so let's try this: I watched "Revolver" the other day extremely mediocre movie it's a painfully overwrought statement that ego is the ultimate evil crossed with a poorly developed crime story hardly worth mentioning except for the fact that, as someone with little to no ego, who has always given freely, and put myself last; and tortured myself mercilessly for any self-centered action I've done, I can say that ego is not the ultimate evil sure, unchecked ego is one of the worst sins putting yourself above others, in a real and pervasive sense; is bad no reason to over elaborate however, the idea that you are important, and special, and deserving of happiness; is necessary if you think I'm wrong, read this fucking diary, from the beginning stripping yourself of ego to the point where you feel you don't deserve anything is nothing but harmful to you to the point where any good you could do or contribute is wasted but on the other hand, maybe that is my ego I happened to get an inverse ego because I definitely recognize the idea of the harmful voice in your head that the movie presents as ego; the villain in the end and the idea that I'm worthless, that I have nothing to contribute, that I will always fail; that is my ego it's just the opposite of the recognized model because it certainly causes me to be selfish, in my own way, and sabotages the actions I attempt and relationships I have not that that makes the movie any better but it's an interesting discussion, for me personally anyway, I don't know that it would translate to anyone else I guess it's the age old question, (again, for me anyway) was Local H right, or was The High Speed Scene? I will say one thing, I wish I could have the clear sense of purpose and direction that most people seem to have my life seems to be a muddled fog, that I stumble through to no real effect; while everyone else seems to be going somewhere "where others see their targets I can't see anything" right? who fucking knows anymore, man? but hey, guess what? It's about two forty-five in the morning, time to drink (even more) and listen to Elliott Smith forever is over � � |