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"3's and 7's" 2011-03-16 - 3:28 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj entry #2 tonight when I was growing up, I played with GI Joes I played, and still play, videogames where I'm a soldier Aliens is still my favorite movie when I was a little kid, I planned to join The Marines as soon as I was eighteen and then I hit that teenage phase where I hated everything I used to love, and nothing mattered to me and then, I don't know what happened I grew out of it, I guess now I'm at some awkward stage where I have the things I loved as a kid contrasted with the things I loved as a teen opposite ends of the spectrum, really and I grew up a military brat; every man I respect was in the military and I idealize it now, for some reason I just know I wish I could join, and maybe I wouldn't fit in maybe I wouldn't be able to cut it, with my depression maybe I'd hate it, like my dad did with the Coast Guard but fuck if I don't think about joining every day and... The Marines are the best and you know, separately; there's no one I can talk to I've said this before a support system is important, and I have none my best friends don't care, and my family doesn't understand I write here because it's the worthless bullshit that doesn't fit in the rest of my life which would be fine if I didn't think about it all the fucking time I just write it here when I'm hammered because no one else cares and I can't say it sober my writing, both prose and music; is suffering because I drink but I can't stop because when I'm shitfaced is the only time I can let this out I've been at work a bunch of times, fighting off tears for no real reason and it pisses me off, because I mean; what the fuck am I crying about? shit, my life sucks, but I don't cry about it at the most vulnerable of times and yet I'll be at work, and all of a sudden I'm choking back tears fuck man how did this box become the only thing I trust? I have plenty of friends that are trying to be closer to me, and I'm just blowing off I have talent, and intelligence, and family, and it amounts to nothing my problems are my own this was my life to lose, and I lost it it's my main fucking problem and maybe I'm idealizing The Marines in hoping they'd stop me from being such a bitch; and whip me into shape but fuck man, I don't really care I think they're cool either way, and I wish I could join and I wish I could be stable; and it's a separate desire and who fucking cares anyway? that old school archetype of not showing your problems is alive and well and sure, I probably show my problems more than I'd like to admit; but this is the only place I let them out otherwise I get up, go to work; and don't complain and if I write here where no one reads when I'm shitfaced, who really cares? � � |