"3's and 7's" 2011-03-16 - 3:28 a.m.

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entry #2 tonight

when I was growing up, I played with GI Joes

I played, and still play, videogames where I'm a soldier

Aliens is still my favorite movie

when I was a little kid, I planned to join The Marines as soon as I was eighteen

and then I hit that teenage phase

where I hated everything I used to love, and nothing mattered to me

and then, I don't know what happened

I grew out of it, I guess

now I'm at some awkward stage where I have the things I loved as a kid contrasted with the things I loved as a teen

opposite ends of the spectrum, really

and I grew up a military brat;

every man I respect was in the military

and I idealize it now, for some reason

I just know I wish I could join,

and maybe I wouldn't fit in

maybe I wouldn't be able to cut it, with my depression

maybe I'd hate it, like my dad did with the Coast Guard

but fuck if I don't think about joining every day

and... The Marines are the best

and you know, separately;

there's no one I can talk to

I've said this before

a support system is important, and I have none

my best friends don't care, and my family doesn't understand

I write here because it's the worthless bullshit that doesn't fit in the rest of my life

which would be fine if I didn't think about it all the fucking time

I just write it here when I'm hammered because no one else cares

and I can't say it sober

my writing, both prose and music;

is suffering because I drink

but I can't stop

because when I'm shitfaced is the only time I can let this out

I've been at work a bunch of times, fighting off tears for no real reason

and it pisses me off, because I mean; what the fuck am I crying about?

shit, my life sucks, but I don't cry about it at the most vulnerable of times

and yet I'll be at work, and all of a sudden I'm choking back tears

fuck man

how did this box become the only thing I trust?

I have plenty of friends

that are trying to be closer to me, and I'm just blowing off

I have talent, and intelligence, and family, and it amounts to nothing

my problems are my own

this was my life to lose, and I lost it

it's my main fucking problem

and maybe I'm idealizing The Marines in hoping they'd stop me from being such a bitch; and whip me into shape

but fuck man,

I don't really care

I think they're cool either way, and I wish I could join

and I wish I could be stable; and it's a separate desire

and who fucking cares anyway?

that old school archetype of not showing your problems is alive and well

and sure, I probably show my problems more than I'd like to admit;

but this is the only place I let them out

otherwise I get up, go to work; and don't complain

and if I write here where no one reads when I'm shitfaced,

who really cares?