"Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us" 2005-03-07 - 6:57 a.m.

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yesterday I had my own Silent Hill-like experience

see, the little area I live in off of the main road has no streetlights

meaning that after dark it is fucking dark

and yesterday about the time I had to leave for work, it got foggy as fuck

like, just out of nowhere

and I was already creeped out because when I checked the temperature there was this stray cat outside on the porch just staring at me

and when I went to get in my car I was thinking about all these other creepy things

so I put on My Chemical Romance's first album/EP: "I Gave You My Bullets, You Gave Me Your Love"

and the first track of that is this kind of intro that's just the two guitars doing like, this really eerie finger-picking melody

with this static in the background like you're listening to it on one of those old radios from the 40s

so I got in my car, and I put that on

and I'm driving down these black fucking roads through the thickest fog I've seriously ever seen in my whole life; with that song playing

I thought for sure I was gonna see some specter of a girl or some weird, shapeless monstrosity

like, I seriously thought that for a second

I was half scared and half having the best time ever

but yeah

not much happened, I stayed up for 19 hours straight so I could have lunch with my uncle who's in town

and then went to bed

and I had this weird dream

like, there was this transvestite convention in town

[some other town, not Tucson, it was on the coast somewhere]

and it was like, a big event

it took up a couple city blocks and was like, a big deal all over town, everyone was going

but I didn't go

[hmm... maybe it's because I felt guilty about skipping the drag show saturday when I knew Chris and Cody were going to be there]

but anyway, I was driving into this apartment complex

and I didn't live there; I think I might have been delivering the paper, except I didn't have any papers with me

and as I was driving in I saw this pickup truck with three Ku Klux Klansmen in the front; going down to the transvestite convention to cause trouble

and... it seems like I felt like I had to do something, like call the cops or something and warn someone

but I don't know because I can't remember what happened immediately after that

but I know that somehow they saw me, and they started chasing me around the apartment complex

like, in our cars

and I remember once we got really close and this guy in the middle who was the leader I think(and was wearing black robes for some reason) threw like, a shovel or something at me; and I ducked and it just barely missed me

but he looked right in my eyes and it was just creepy

then somehow I doubled back and kinda lost them

and I got out of my car and there was this like, it was like one of those things where there was a slope but they cut it off real sharp; like there's a big wall on the side of the road and at the top is a little slope and then there's more flat ground up higher

well the slope was covered in vegetation

so I jumped up to the top of the wall and climbed up the slope through the bushes

and I started to run across the higher ground

but then they pulled around the corner in their truck

they figured out my trick and had taken a road up there

and I just knew I was fucked

and right then I woke up

and like, my heart was racing and I was scared for my life

it sucked

but yeah, I don't know

I reminded myself of something, though;

on friday I went to go see Versus The Mirror again

[they had this rockin' new song called "you can't make a ho a housewife"; it was really 80s and really good]

but at the show I saw Cody

and... I don't know

like, I've always thought Cody was extremely hot

he's always been like, my epitome of what I was looking for in a guy, physically

and in a way I kinda "blame" him for making me realize I was gay

like, realizing I was really attracted to him was one of main things that got me started on the road to realizing what I was

and he was really attracted to me too

like, we made out a few times and he blatantly asked me on several occasions to fuck him

but I don't want to have sex without a relationship

and I didn't want a relationship with Cody

because even though physically he was everything I wanted

personality-wise he was the exact opposite

he was like, stoned 24/7; and just always really hyper and like, "ditzy" I guess you'd say

I don't know

but just like, the exact opposite

anyway, ever since I turned him down flat a couple years ago

we've never really gotten along

I mean, I didn't really like to be around him anyway just because of his personality; but since then I think he always kinda resented me

and so.. yeah, we don't like eachother, blah blah blah

and then, I bumped into him friday at the show

and... I guess he's been off drugs for a while

like, I've seen him a few times since he's supposedly been clean but he seemed about the same to me

but friday he seemed really together, and really like, mellow

and just... really appealing, basically

and not only that, he came up and talked to me all cheerful and stuff

which I could've just passed off as being polite, but it seemed to be more than that

and I talked to him again once or twice more

and... I think he might have been flirting with me

like, I don't know

so now I'm kinda eager to see him again and see if he's like that all the time now or if it was just a one time thing

which is why I wanted to see him at the drag show

and then there's Chris

I've been trying to make plans to see Chris just as friends for some time now

but I've also had kind of a crush on him for a long time

and I finally got him to make plans with me to see a movie

and I was getting really eager and like "is it a date? is it just as friends?" and like, I was really hoping it could lead somewhere

but he had to cancel our original plans

then we finally got together and made plans to go to an art show on friday

but then I actually slept through it

I stayed up late that morning showering and shaving and getting cleaned up to see him

and as a result I slept in really late and didn't wake up until we were supposed to be meeting

it's kinda comical, actually

but I felt and still feel terrible about it

and he doesn't have a cell phone either so I couldn't call him

and the worst part is that he called me twice

but for some reason it didn't wake me up

usually my phone always wakes me up, like, this was the first time it didn't

and he called me twice

and I feel like king of the dipshits about it

so I was hoping to see him at the drag show to apologize and try and make more plans or something

but of course... I didn't go

like, I don't know I just did not feel like it at all

I like drag shows

I really wanted to see two people who I knew would be there

but I just... did not want to go for some reason

I don't know

I feel like shit for a lot of reasons right now

foremost because I'm sick as fuck

it was 38 degrees out last night

and I was way behind on my paper route

so I just want to go to bed

maybe I'll update again tomorrow and bitch about the other stuff

and I'm surprised I don't have many readers

Adios Amigos

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