"I'm Not OK(I Promise)" 2005-03-09 - 7:53 a.m.

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I feel like I'm 17 again

I'm having these wild mood swings

like, today for the first time in a long time, I almost cried

like, really and seriously just sobbed out loud

I had to really fight to choke it back

and then ten minutes later I felt just fine and dandy and happy

and it just keeps going back and forth

later, during my paper route

I was in one of my happy moods; and all of a sudden I came so close to tears again

like, I just got that feeling welling up in my throat and I had to really try to regain control

I don't know

I just hate so much about my life right now

I feel like I've been treading water for the past few years, and lately I've been doing well

but no matter how big of a smile I'm wearing

inside I'm still just barely keeping my head above water

and lately it feels like I'm slipping under again

I've been contemplating suicide really often lately

just letting go and sinking down

I don't know

I just keep telling myself it'll pass, it'll pass like it always does

like an attack of my Crohn's

I just have to ride it out

but it hurts so much

it just seems like no matter what I do it's never enough

I can never get ahead

I finally get a job; one that pays well

but I can't afford to buy musical equipment

I can't afford to get my own place

I need another job

but this fucking job is fucking with my sleep schedule so hard

like, I don't have any regular time I go to bed and wake up anymore

but I always sleep through the afternoon, the best time to actually do stuff

I hate it

how can I get another job when I can't even stay awake a whole day?

and I can't get another night job, because then I've got band practice to worry about

I can't stand it

and my band..

I don't know

I hate it

I want to be in the best band I can

but The Remaining isn't it

but I've spent so fucking long with these guys

comitted so much

and the music isn't all bad

we're finally starting to play good music

but... I don't know

I don't know at all

I'm so confused

I'm drowning

I don't want to do this anymore

I want out

But Only Jesus Christ Himself Can Slit His Wrists, He Says

Sweet Dreams

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