"Magnified" 2004-11-12 - 2:46 a.m.

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so, I've got an interesting story that starts last night

after I got off work, I pulled out of my parking space, and I heard this wierd noise

like I had crushed a plastic container

I figured maybe somebody left a drink or empty food box or something in front of my tire, and since I didn't see anything, I just left

my sister left me a voice-mail saying that my cousins got Halo 2, and wanted me to play

at first I just obeyed the speed limit; but then I got to thinking about it, and the thought of playing Halo 2 compelled me to 65 mph or more for half the drive

anyway, I got to my cousin's house, and good times were had by all

I didn't do quite as well as I did at Halo 1 with those guys; but meh

as we were leaving, one of my cousins noticed that one of the tires on the car had gone flat

luckily there was just barely enough air to get to a nearby gas station and fill it up

but I figured that if it was leaking fast enough to go almost flat in the couple hours I was at my cousins house; if I drove it home then it would go completely flat during the night, and I would then have to find a way to get the tire from my house to a shop without any other car the next day

so luckily, there's a shop close to my house that does flat repairs for free

so I drove the car there, locked it up, and got a ride home from my cousin; so that the car would already be there today

today; I woke up at 9, called the car place, walked over there to give them the keys[I forgot about that]

then while they were doing that, I went to a few places around there and picked up job applications

so not only did I get the car fixed all by myself, for free; I picked up job applications as well

I figured this was the most I'd gotten done in a day in a long time

then later, my dad gets home

as soon as he walks in the door; he just starts screaming at me

screaming

at the top of his lungs

yelling at me about how I fuck everything up and how he always has to pay for it; and just generally how much of a fuck-up I am

so I walked back into my room and listened to Tool and just hung out in my room for the rest of the night

nevermind the fact that it was an accident; and I fixed it at no fucking charge to him

I still fuck everything up

even my mom was telling him to calm down

sometimes I wish he would just hit me

it would be faster and I wouldn't have to listen to him say the same fucking things over and over

he uses the exact same Goddamn phrases too

"you know, it would really help out your mom and I if you could pay your own way around here"

it's just never enough for him

I hate how big of an influence your parents are on you

how much power they have over you

you learn your behavior patterns, you develop issues from how they treat you

they completely mold you as a person

it sucks

I'm not saying I'm abused; and I know there are people with a lot worse parents than me

but I just hate that so much of who I am was predetermined by him before I could even form a coherent sentence

I remember at Easter, when I worked at Honeybaked Ham; I called in sick one of the days I was supposed to work[out of 5 days]

and I really was sick

but I had gone to work at Wal-Mart sicker

and the very next day I went in to work at Honeybaked as sick or sicker

I just didn't feel like working that day

and the manager[who's actually a really nice guy] called me up and asked why I wasn't at work

and he kinda... worded his call in a negative way

barely mean at all

the next day I went to work and he told me that Stephanie had told him that I had Crohn's Disease; it was a recurring, serious problem, I didn't just have the flu or something minor like that

and he apologized for being mean when he called me the day before, and I about laughed in his face at how funny it was he thought he was being mean

and then more recently; when I made a joke in here about Sarah being mentally unbalanced for wanting to date me, she took it the wrong way and got angry, and sent me an e-mail that she thought was mean

to me it barely even seemed emotional

well tonight I figured out why that when [some]people think they're being mean to me, they seem little more than annoyed

my parents are meaner to me than that when they're asking me nicely to do things

not every time; but when they want to stress a point they make sure and tell me how crappy a person I am to let me know I need to do what they want me to

and I also figured out why I've been able to conquer my social anxiety and inferiority complexes and go to school[when I was] and get jobs[when I can find them]

because as scared as I am of people judging me and of fucking up at work or school; and all the other little warped views of things that mental disorders entail

I know that if I don't go out and go to school or work or whatever, I have to go back home and tell my dad that I didn't do it

and whereas the way I think people think of me outside is just imagined; coming home and telling my dad that I couldn't go to work because I was too scared is far worse than any mental disorder can make things seem outside

so it's all his fault, really

why I'm so whiny

why I'm such a drama queen

why my diary is all black and has a line about a broken heart on it

because that's what he made me

and although I don't hate him most of the time

and once I get over tonight's little episode everything will be hunky-dory again,

I do hate him for that

for screwing me up so badly without even realizing he was doing it

it seems like one hell of a flaw in God's Big Plan

to let our parents ignorantly twist and shape us without our having any say in the matter

it's so fucking unfair

Adios Amigos

I'll show you a trick with ants when

the sun's high in the sky we can

burn them up to crispy black shells

see them crunched by old, slow, slick snails

light the fuse inside the dead bird

feather flurries rain on our heads

empty nest with three small brown eggs

we'll think of something before the night falls

"don't hurt a fly" they all say

"don't rape a girl in bright may"

"don't kill anyone ever"

"lay still and stand this fever"

the sun's just

a big glass

we're all ants

I love you

-Magnified

Failure

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