"Emo" 2004-11-10 - 2:57 a.m.

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I hate whining in here

I must sound so, well, whiny

but life has been so crappy for me lately

I've actually been contemplating suicide again

not actually doing it

but more just thinking of the concept

what would happen if I did

how much easier it would be

but I know I won't

so I just dismiss it

I don't know whether to blame Sarah, or working at Hot Topic; but I'm actually wanting to listen to emo lately

I think it might be that I've listened to all the depressing music I already have so much that I'm sick of it; and emo is the only depressing music I haven't worn out

I don't know

my car is running again; and I settled things with the bank, so I have money again

but it seems for every problem I solve two more grow in its place

Laura is being incredibly childish

and my parents are giving me a really hard time about getting a job lately

which sucks because I know they're right

and then the band.. I just want to quit

but I can't

I've come too far to just quit

we haven't even done anything yet

no real recordings

only one actual gig

after putting this much work into it I want a little more out of it

but it just isn't fun anymore

playing the way they want

singing the way they want

doing everything the way they want

I know that being in a band means compromising

but it's so far beyond compromise now that it's only barely a kind of music I even listen to

much less want to play

if I had to pick a style of music we play

I would say "dance-punk"*

and I would rather be playing fucking hardcore

and like I said, anytime I say anything; they just say I have too much input already

but the input I have in the band is colored by what they want

I know if I came up with a guitar riff I wanted to play they would veto it

so I play the guitar in a way I know they'll like

and they assume I'm doing it like I want

ugh

it's such a shitty situation

combined with so many other shitty situations I'm in right now

and all I want is just to go hang out with Robyn and talk about Venture Brothers and act like we don't have a care in the world

even though we both really do

I don't know

I'm so sick of this

all of it

and I've got a sore on my lip and I keep poking it with my tongue but that's only making it worse

Adios Amigos

*-[for other examples of "dance-punk" see: The Moving Units, The Fever, The Rapture, Elefant, and to some extent The Libertines and The Strokes. Go to video.artistdirect.com, they've got videos from all those bands there]

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