"Somewhat Damaged" 2004-02-09 - 3:22 a.m.

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"I hurt you, 'cause I don't wanna hurt myself"

"there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how"

I feel really horrible tonight

I'm just getting so tired of the things I write in here

and the way I think

and the way I dress

and the way I act

and the way I am

I miss so many people right now

I miss the way things used to be between me and someone; because the way things are now between us isn't fun

as I grew up I learned that nothing is permanent

and that after a couple years my friends, my home, and my life would disappear

and I would start again somewhere entirely new

and I want that to happen now

I want to just leave behind everyone who knows me

go somewhere else

change my last name to 'Smith' or 'Marr' or 'Curtis' or something, shave my sideburns; get all new clothes and just be someone else

but it wouldn't be enough

in a few years I would have to leave that life too

something else I've learned is that no matter how much I change

I will always grow to hate myself

because; as Micheal Jackson has also learned:

you can change your clothes, your hair, or even the color of your skin

but inside, you will always be the same person

and for some people that's hell

"I do not want this"

Sweet Dreams

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