"Bi-Polarity: The Indecisive Killer" 2003-09-14 - 3:56 a.m.

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I'm feeling better today

well, I'm feeling better now

this is my big 500th entry; but none of the surprises and such things I wanted to have are going to be here

if I ever feel like doing them I'll just put them in the 504th entry or some such thing

anyway,

what I mean by "feeling better now", is that I spent all day contemplating suicide; and then a couple hours back I got bored and rented a video game, and somehow I lightened up

in an interesting side note, I noticed there's a Jenny Craig store by the one Blockbuster on Ina

one of these days around 2 or 3 in the morning I should throw a brick through the window and spraypaint "fat is where it's at" somewhere

anyway;

I think talking about how much that conversation with Sindy hurt helped

but I think really the only reason I write entries like that is because I desperately want attention

and the only time people really e-mail me or leave notes is when I write entries saying how I feel like I don't have any friends

but that didn't work last time

so I don't know what I'm going to do now

for the moment I'm feeling stable

but I suppose it's only so long before I feel like shit again

lately my lows have been dropping lower and lower

it seems like whenever I think I'm getting less and less depressed and that maybe I'm growing out of it

like you grow out of acne

I hit a crashing low depression where it feels like the only relief is suicide

but I know I don't have the strength for that

I don't know

I've been saving this joke for a few days, so I might as well end with it; even though it's not really an ending joke

but it doesn't really fit in anywhere and I just want to get it out:

I rented Hitman 2 the other day

the Sea Captain says: "YARR, I'm not impressed"

hilarious, eh?

Sweet Dreams

your words to me just a whisper

your faces so unclear

I try to pay attention

your words just disapear

'cause it's always raining in my head

so I speak to you in riddles

'cause my words get in my way

I smoke the whole thing to my head

and feel it wash away

'cause I can't take anymore of this

I want to come apart

or dig myself a little hole

inside your precious heart

'cause it's always raining in my head

forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than

a little boy inside

who cries out for attention

though I always try to hide

and I talk to you like children

but I don't know how I feel

but I know I'll do the right thing

if the right thing is revealed

but it's always raining in my head

forget all the things I should have said

-Epiphany

Staind

another song that describes me

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