A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Save Me v2.0" 2003-09-13 - 12:50 a.m.

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for those of you who didn't catch my last entry, Johnny Cash died today

and even though I didn't mention it in that entry, so did John Ritter

but that's not what's got me down

I'm gonna say a lot of honest things tonight that are more than likely going to upset a few people, so brace yourself

my big 500th entry will be next

my big surprise was that I was gonna have a new, lighter layout

and I was going to "switch formats" and try to be funny and entertaining like porktornado or scanzilla instead of just talking about my life in a fairly realistic manner

but lately I don't think I can

I've been real depressed lately

I hadn't been for a long time

and I thought for once, maybe, I'd gotten over it

I still got depressed, but it wasn't a deep, biting depression that controlled my life

and most of that had to do with Sindy

ever since I met her and we started talking and got to know eachother;

she really brought light to my life

but the last time we talked, she let me talk to her drunk boyfriend while she 'mopped up'

and I didn't expect to be jealous

we weren't actually in a relationship, so I had no reason to be jealous

in fact, when she'd mentioned something about that before, it didn't bother me at all

and at first, it didn't bother me then

but as the conversation wore on, it just started hurting

and it hasn't really stopped since

and it seems like all the light she brought to my life has been dimmed

and like the jackass I am, I haven't said anything to her about it

because really, what could I say?

what could I have possibly said?

I know what I could've said

"that really bothered me"

I could've done the right thing for a change and e-mailed my feelings to her privately

but let's be honest, the only person who reads this who knows/cares about Sindy is Sindy

to everyone else I might as well just be giving the name of some anonymous person in some hypothetical situation

I still love Sindy,

and I expect she'll be mad at me for this

but this is my diary

and I had to get this off my chest; and this is the only place I can say it without having to talk to someone else directly

and this way it's not like I'm talking behind her back, she'll read it in here

and that's not even all my problems

although it's a big part

I went to Robyn's belated birthday party tonight

another World Domination Meeting at IHOP

and it was fun

as gatherings usually are

but I just can't shake the feelings inside

whenever I'm at a gathering like that it just feels like no one really wants me there; they just invited me out of courtesy

it feels like everyone is thinking: "this would be so much more fun if Brett wasn't here"

and afterwords everyone hugs and exchanges laughing goodbyes and promises to call

and I just stand on the outskirts of the group, watching everyone hug

and people just kind've wave to me before they head to their cars

I asked Misty about starting a band

she did a good job of skirting the question, not saying "yes" but not saying "no"

and it's clear she meant "no"

and it constantly feels like nobody likes me

I feel so alone

the song "Save Me" by KMFDM has kind've become my anthem lately

it feels like no one song really defines me as well as that one

[although "Hurt" is a close second]

pushing people away but yet crying to them for help at the same time

both taking comfort in my loneliness and despising it as well

and it just feels like the only girlfriend I'll ever have is Alane

the only sexual partner I'll ever have is my right hand

and the only friend I'll ever have is "the ground I walk along" like in the song

I'm unemployed, I'm not going to school, and the only times I see my friends it feels like they don't really like me

it's my fault, not theirs

it's the voice in my head, not anything they're saying

it's the outsider status that I paint on my face and wear like armor, not how they see me

I don't feel mad at anyone

or resentful towards anyone

except maybe myself

it must suck to know me

sooner or later I turn on everyone; telling them that whatever kind've relationship we have, they're not doing things right

and even though nine times out of ten I'm right there to say I'm not doing my part either; it still can't be a good feeling

I'm sorry everyone

I don't know

I just feel like shit

I wish I could make a joke

I'm reposting the lyrics to Save Me because the other ones didn't have some lines he repeats,

and I'll post Hurt again too; both for Johnny Cash and for me

and finally I'll throw in Pushit. Because it's like a textbook outline of my relationship with everyone

that last line goes out to all of you

Sweet Dreams

If You don't know if You have found what You are looking for

The silver-lining always starts to fade

And what You don't know is that You don't know the truth anymore

Now You try sleeping in the bed You have made

The feeling is gone and the circle is broken

Like water under a burning bridge

A million words but nothing is spoken

A deafening silence replaced by fear

Save me

I can't find my way home

The grace I've fallen from

The only truth I've ever known

So when You tell me what You tell me

I can't take it anymore

The same old story goes around and around

You think that if You speak a little louder than You did before

The point You make might somehow stick around

If empathy is no more than a token

I cry a river in the pouring rain

The princess still sleeps but she will be woken

Her kiss of love is killing me

Save me

I can't find my way home

The ground I'm walking on

The only friend I've ever known

Mother father

The battle I fight is for no one

No one but myself

Brother sister

The devil inside is my own now

There's no way You could understand

You don't understand

You don't under...

Save Me

I can't find my way home

Save Me

I can't find my way home

Save Me

Mother father

The tears that You cry are for no one

No one but Yourself

Brother sister

I travel this road on my own now

There's no way You could understand

Save Me

I can't find my way home

the grace I've fallen from

the only truth I've ever known

Save Me

I can't find my way home

the ground I walk along

the only friend I've ever known

-Save Me

KMFDM

I, hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

and what have I become;

my sweetest friend?

everyone I know,

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I, wear this crown of thorns

upon my liar's chair

full of broken thoughts

that I cannot repair

beneath the stains of time

the feelings dissapear

you are someone else

I am still right here

and what have I become;

my sweetest friend?

everyone I know,

goes away, in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

if I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

-Hurt

Johnny Cash/NIN

Saw that gap again today.

While you were begging me to stay.

Take care not to make me enter.

If I do we both may disappear.

Saw that gap again today.

While you were begging me to stay

Managed to push myself away

And you as well, my dear

And you, as well

Pushed you away my dear

I will choke until I swallow

Choke this infant here before me

What are you but my reflection?

Who am I to judge or strike you down?

But you're pushing me

And Im shoving you

And your pushing me

And Im shoving you

Rest your trigger on my finger,

Bang my head upon the fault line

You better take care not to make me enter

If I do we both may disappear

But you're pushing me

And Im shoving you

And your pushing me

And Im shoving you

You still love me

We're pushing and were shoving

And you're pushing and I'm shoving

You still love me

And were pushing and were shoving

And I'm pushing as your shoving

And Im slipping back into the gap again

I feel alive when you touch me...

I feel alive when you hold me... ...down

Slipping back into you

I am somewhere I dont wanna be, yeah

Put me somewhere I dont wanna be

Push me somewhere I dont wanna be

Seeing someplace I don't wanna see

Never wanna see that place again...

Saw that gap again today

While you were begging me to stay

Managed to push myself away,

And you as well, my dear

If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,

You minimize my movement anyway,

I must persuade you another way

Pushing and Shoving and

Pushing me

There's no love in fear.

Staring down the hole again.

Hands are on my back again.

Survival is my only friend.

Terrified of what may come.

Remember I will always love you,

As I claw your fucking throat away.

It will end no other way.

-Pushit(Salival Version)

Tool

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