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"Space Oddity" 2003-03-31 - 3:11 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj ***Note to my therapist*** Christina-I know I told you to look at this, but if you do get around to checking this out, please don't read anymore. I've changed my mind. I don't know why but suddenly the idea of you reading this bothers me. Sorry to give you conflicting messages. *************************** I've become horribly depressed again the fleeting happiness of the weekend has left me, and I'm back to feeling down it's just like: "OK Brett, you're feeling better now? Well time to get going, you've been sitting on your ass for too long!" my life feels like it's rushing forward and I'm not prepared at all, I'm just being swept up in the tornado of things I *HAVE* to do, and I don't know how to do any of them I like to do things slowly, make sure I know what I'm doing and then do it slowly and calmly and now everything's whirling right around and past me "forwards, not backwards, upwards, not forwards, and always twirling, TWIRLING!" and I can't seem to focus on anything like some kind of nightmare with the worst part being that it's not a nightmare, it's all for real and everything I'm doing is something that matters, something that will affect the course of my life and so I'm doing nothing which is the worst thing I could possibly be doing I just want some type of advice, or some type of lead, or instructions, or anything but if I've learned anything from all the scenes on movies, television, and in books about older people trying to give advice to troubled younger people; their one piece of advice is: "there isn't any type of lead or instructions or anything" but I mean, I don't even know what I'm doing it's like someone took me to an empty Hockey rink, put me on the ice in my normal clothes and combat boots, gave me a baseball bat and said: "go play" it doesn't make any damn sense [I know it's going to look like I put that "don't read this" thing to my therapist up at the top specifically because I'm about to say something about her, but that's honestly not the case] the only reason I'm still seeing my therapist is that I'm hoping she could give me some idea of what I'm doing, and she has helped more than anyone else around me but I'm still pretty much in the dark and my parents, who by their very nature are supposed to be the ones guiding me along in this; are the ones pushing me forward the hardest, with no guidance at all with my new distortion pedal I've come up with a way of playing Space Oddity by David Bowie that sounds really great, and I plan to cover that song with every band I'm in from now on; but I've fallen in love with that song recently 'cause I just wish I could be like Major Tom, shut off the radio and just step out into space, just drift away... but I can't I'm on this planet, and I'm stuck here and I hope the next time I'm out driving some drunk redneck in a big ass pickup truck slams into the driver's side at full force, killing me on impact I'd pay anything for a quick, painless death if I had the money I'd put a hit on myself just be in the mall one day and some guy in a suit walking behind me would whip out a silenced pistol and put me out of my misery spray blood and gray matter all over some hapless shopper heh I don't know the one hope I used to have was: "someday, things will be better" and that one light at the end of the tunnel would keep me alive I've been walking towards that light for eighteen damn years turns out it's a fucking freight train "someday" is here, and it's up to me to make things better but I'm just standing on the ice alone with my baseball bat, wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing This is Major Tom to Ground Control, I'm Stepping Through the Door... Sweet Dreams Ground Control to Major Tom Ground Control to Major Tom take your protein pills and put your helmet on Ground Control to Major Tom commencing countdown, engines on check ignition, and may God's Love be with you... this is Ground Control to Major Tom you've really made the grade and the papers want to know who's shirts who wear now it's time to leave the capsule, if you dare this is Major Tom to Ground Control I'm stepping through the door and I'm floating in the most peculiar way and the stars look very different today for here am I, sitting in a tin can far above the world Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do... though I've past one hundred thousand miles, I'm feeling very still and I think my spaceship knows which way to go tell my wife I love her very much, she knows... Ground Control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead, there's something wrong can you hear me Major Tom? can you hear me Major Tom? can you hear me Major Tom? can you hear me Major Tom... for here am I, floating 'round my tin can far above the moon Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do... � � |