"...And All that Could've Been" 2003-03-15 - 2:44 a.m.

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Just watched Chasing Amy

Kevin Smith's drama in his series of comedies

that movie hit a little close to home for me

it's like an exaggerated account of what happened

...and all that could've been

between me and Stephanie

I don't know

Holden's not that much like me

and Alissa's not that much like Stephanie

and I'm glad things didn't go the way they did in the movie for us

and I don't mean just the ending

I mean all of it

I really like things the way they are between us right now

I cannot think of a way things could be better

but that doesn't make Chasing Amy any less...

any less like peering into an alternate dimension

I don't know

but speaking of Stephanie and comic books

[Holden & Alissa are comic book writers]

I really want to get going on Paint it Black

I really like that character, but I don't know what to do with her

I mentioned this a couple entries back, but I don't think anybody read that one

or else no one felt the need to comment

either way

I'm taking a Creative Writing course through the internet now; so hopefully that'll help me with writing stories

my ideal situation would be me and Stephanie co-writing

or maybe just her writing and me drawing

but even though I hate to assume how other people are feeling;

I don't think it was that important to her

I'm not saying it should be

you can't make yourself be interested in something

but y'know; what're you gonna do?

I'm probably going to end up either writing it myself or doing like I suggested in that entry nobody read

I have to remember to ask Stephanie about it

in real-life news,

I saw my therapist today; and she told me about Disability

basically it's going to be a long-time before I'm going to be seeing a check

like, probably until Stephanie's almost graduated anyway

[that refers to my plan to end up living with Stephanie in the event that Disability wouldn't be enough to live on by myself]

and it's not very much

being on Disability, I'd qualify for food stamps and low-income housing; and my medical insurance would be covered by the government

but it would still be enough to only get by

and while that was kind of my plan anyway; I don't like to be left without other options

so basically I'm going to have to live with someone[I'm hoping Stephanie] just so that together we can afford a place that's actually livable

of course that could end up really not-sucking

if my life were perfect, me and Steph could share a place and both work on Paint it Black; getting our revenue from being comic book creators

as I said; that could really not-suck

and it's actually in the realm of possibility(a real change for my hopes)

but I don't know

I'm not gonna get my hopes up over something like that

but learning just how little Disability is has really given me the delayed reaction blow of just how bad my situation is

I really am too sick to work

this isn't something I'm just doing 'cause I'm lazy;

I can't hold down a job

there's nothing I can do mentally

and there's no medication I can take

I'm just stuck

my only real option if I don't want to be stuck on Disability for the rest of my life is to either A)get one of them "work at home" internet jobs; or B)really get to work on being a comic book artist

I don't have a lot of choice there

*sigh*

in news that matters now;

the reason I was able to keep going out on weekends a lot recently is that I was constipated for weeks,

meaning that as long as the stomach pain wasn't too bad, I could go out

and then after the colonoscopy and the laxatives I had to take to prep myself for it;

I felt better for about a week

that was nice

but now recently I've been feeling sicker and sicker each day

and the diarrhea is coming back

so I may not be able to do anything this weekend if I get really sick,

I should be able to do something at least a couple days this week; but I might also be home-bound a few days as well

also, since I'm not real sure; as much as I'd like to attend that anti-war rally Steph[and I really would]; if it's too far down-town than I don't think I should chance going down there

so yeah, that's what's going on with me

what I've been hiding behind comments about Kevin Smith movies and lectures on Communism

Stephanie,

Thanks for Giving Me Something Personal to Write About

Sweet Dreams

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