"Down with the Sickness" 2003-02-12 - 3:10 a.m.

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it doesn't feel right trying to go to sleep

that's messed up, isn't it?

when you try and sleep shouldn't it feel relaxing?

bah

stupid messed up bodily routine

I've been tired all goddamn day today; it was literally painful trying to wake up, and now when I try and go to sleep it feels wrong laying in my comfortable bed all warm and snug

I swear, if I wasn't sick I'd be as self-destructive as possible

goddamn body fucking with me

does anyone else ever feel they're at war with their own body?

and I don't mean mundane shit like the way your hair won't style properly or the way you look or anything;

I mean you feel fine until you want to go out and then you feel sick

you feel tired all day when you're trying to do stuff but you're wide awake when you're lying in bed trying to sleep

I mean medicines don't work when you get sick; and you just seem to be acquiring a new disease every year

I've realized that I hate other people

and my parents

because when I would spend long periods of time in the nurse's office for my stomach; other kids would be coming in with the dumbest stuff

like headaches, and bruises from falling down, and mild colds

the pansies

but they'd be allowed to go home!!

I wasn't given that luxury

I had to go to school no matter how sore I was, or no matter how sick I was

if I wanted to stay home I had to be sick

I mean like: could barely get out of bed, can't see straight, coughing and sneezing all the damn time

and even then I was only allowed one day off

two if it was really bad

I'd see other kids taking weeks(or the better parts of them anyway) 'cause they were sick and I'd envy them

if I even thought about asking to stay or come home from school for a headache; my parents would've screamed at me

I remember a couple years ago I got this terrible throat infection,

I couldn't swallow,

at all

I couldn't eat anything, I couldn't even swallow my saliva

I had to get up all the time and spit in the sink

my throat was so swollen I couldn't talk right

and think about that: I didn't eat anything except two popsicles for a whole week

nothing

I ate nothing

I mean, I was thin as hell before, afterwords I looked like a holocaust photo if I layed down on my back

I remember going to school for the first time afterwords and my pants were falling down 'cause they didn't fit anymore

even with my belt

the first thing I did when my throat got even a little better was to eat for like an hour straight

and on the worst day I couldn't even breathe

it was like having an asthma attack all the time

except not as noisy

I went to school for a week or two when it was mild;

but when it got really bad my parents were on vacation

they went out for the weekend and were coming back on Monday

they were planning to stay for a few more hours that day and come back that afternoon;

being the good kid I was; I called my parents to ask if I could stay home 'cause I was having trouble breathing

they said no,

and I went to school

I had Wood Shop first period, and all the Saw Dust made it really bad, so I went to the nurse and I think my parents were home by then or something and I actually went home

my dad was pissed

like, hitting the walls, screaming at everything pissed

because I'd made him cut off those extra few hours of his vacation because I couldn't breathe

even my mom was angry that I'd come home from school, and that she had to drive me all the way to the doctor

needless to say once the doctor looked at my throat and said: "Goddamn!", they eased up

(yeah, he didn't say "goddamn", but he verified that my throat was infected as all hell)

the infection eased up too

but I still couldn't eat, swallow, or speak right for a week

that bought me a week off of school; and I didn't know what to do with myself,

I was freaked out

being home from school that long for an illness

to be fair it was the worst I'd ever had, but it was still shocking

and I still think it's messed up that my parents got pissed off at first; when I was having trouble breathing

admittedly that was actually worse than my stomach; and if I had that for as long as I've had my stomach, I may very well have killed myself by now

but it's not like my stomach is anything small

but I've gone on and on about that

and I don't like that I have to fight long and hard for every bit of grudging acceptance of how bad it is out of my parents

I mean, shit, don't suicide attempts mean anything?

I shoulda done something that would've left a scar

then maybe they'd take it more seriously

and besides, huge facial scars rule

but oh well

I'm only typing this because I know I won't get to sleep until around 6

and I'm bored and lonely

and if I'm typing in this, and pretending people will actually read it;

I can pretend I'm talking to someone

Sweet Dreams

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