"Slaves and Bulldozers" 2003-01-27 - 5:07 p.m.

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hey look, it's exactly twelve hours since my last entry

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to say that the drive to the emissions place was much shorter than I thought, and I actually managed to escape any serious discussion

I think my mom must've talked to him

after the last time he yelled at me I had a fight with my mom later that evening, and told her to talk to him

I guess she did

my dad has a tendency now to just kinda pretend like stuff didn't happen

the truth is I just don't care enough to try and get an apology out of him; I just want to not talk to him, and if reducing our interaction to small talk is the best I can get; I'll take it

after the last time he yelled at me I was depressed for days, didn't talk to him much, and actually managed to avoid him for a whole day once

there's no way he didn't know I wasn't pissed at him

and now he's talking and laughing with me like nothing ever happened

as I said, he does that now

whenever he yells at me or anyone else, or gets proven wrong on something or anything like that;

he'll just pretend like nothing ever happened

and if you try to bring it up to get an apology out of him; he'll get this real serious "drop it" look on his face, and say something mildly threatening to make sure we can't use it against him

it's really sad

I remember when I was little, he would always apologize

he would rarely yell at me back then; and whenever he did he would always come and apologize an hour or so later

I wonder what happened?

damnit, now I'm really depressed again

I guess making teenagers depressed really is like shooting fish in a barrel

I was thinking about that line the other day

and I've realized that being depressed isn't cool anymore

back when that came out it was cool to be wearing dirty cut-up clothes and be depressed all the time

and now it's cool to be wearing "Hot Gear" and your "Bling Bling"; and to be tough

funny how that happened

oh well, in a way I'm glad

I've never liked being into cool things

it makes me uncomfortable to know that everyone likes something I do

that's why I always show off Dinosaur Jr as my favorite band

it's like: "see, I like a cult band; none of you know about them, I know more about music than you"

which really just makes me dumb and shallow

but what are you gonna do?

but I really am depressed, and I really don't feel like being clean; or looking "cool"

so I'm glad grunge has been relegated to "out of style" status

but on the other hand it kind of pisses me off

because even though I'm glad it's no longer a trend, it means the music is gonna be harder to get people to accept

getting my band(once I have one) famous is going to be an uphill battle

and it always pisses me off that Hippies are still a relevant sub-culture, and that Punk, despite the fact that the good stuff got overshadowed by the Sex Pistol wannabe bullshit suff(and one day I'll get around to writing my whole rant about the Sex Pistols), is still around while Grunge, despite being a relevant musical style and being just as good as punk, kind of died off

I mean, it's one thing to say "I still care, and that's all that matters" but it's another to try and take a grunge band on the road to an apathetic audience

but I'm rambling

I just don't feel like talking about my family anymore

and I didn't want to leave last night's entry up

so yeah, I'll write a serious entry later

so, uh,

Later

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