"For You" 2003-01-27 - 5:07 a.m.

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I can't sleep

I've been lying in bed for an hour

I hate my parents

I hate my life

I have to take my car to get emissions tested tomorrow with my dad

I've been laying in bed for an hour dreading it

dreading what we may end up saying to eachother

I wish my parents were supportive

not threatening

I wish that they would say: "it'll be ok, Brett"

I wish that they would say: "if that doesn't work then we'll just have to find another way"

I wish that they would say: "we'll love you no matter what"

but they say: "you better do something or you're fucked"

they say: "you better make this work"

they say: "if you don't do this we'll stop loving you"

it's not a nice feeling

I've been out of school since mid october

and all this time I've been putting off getting a job until the specialist can maybe do something

because I'm sick

I have a fucking desease

but the specialist keeps blowing me off

first it was late November

he tried something, it didn't work

I managed to convince my parents to wait until after my next appointment, in late January, to see if he could fix me then

they weren't happy about it

they told me so

and threatened me

many times

I saw him again

he told me that he was right the first time, that the medicine he gave me should be working, and I should be fixed

I told him no, I wasn't

he told me yes, I am

fucker

I've managed to go two days since then without my parents telling me I have to get a job

two whole days

and that makes me feel lucky

but tomorrow I'm going to have to spend at least an hour with my dad at the emissions place(not to mention the drives); with nowhere to run

this won't be good

I have to defend that I'm too sick to get a job, I have to defend that I'm too sick to go to school, I have to defend that I really am sick, and I have to explain why I'm behind on my home-schooling

and no matter what I say, he won't listen

it doesn't matter that I'm sick

I should have a job

I should be in school

and it eats away at his brain that I'm not actually attending, but since I'm not, then I should spend every waking moment working on the home-schooling

and my disease is nothing I can't handle

I'm just being a whiny little baby for not being able to function perfectly

and nothing I could say could ever possbily change that

and it's scary

I mean, I want a job; I want the money, I want the ability to be out there doing something

I want to be in school

well... OK, not really

but I want to be doing well on my home-schooling

I don't like being stuck

and I absolutely fucking hate being sick

this really is ruining my life; not to mention how painful it is on its own

all that stuff is bad enough

but then I have my parents

two people who have control over my life

constantly telling me that I have to be doing better

threatening me that if I don't then bad things will happen

both from them and from others

as if I don't fucking know

I would give anything to have them be supportive

I would give anything to have them at least leave me the fuck alone

my artistic ability

my musical ability

any skill I have

to make things different

but I can't

things don't work like that

so I have to deal with my life; which is hard enough

and I have to deal with my parents as a constant reminder and threat about how my life should be

about what they'll do to me if it's not like that

as if I have control

I hate it

I hate it all

and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it

and I have no hope for the future

there's no indication that anything will ever get better

only constant threats that if I don't do something things will get worse

there's nothing I can do

but I better do something

I mean, there's no way I could think of that on my own

shit, I can't sleep at night because I think all the fucking time; I don't have anything to do so all I have to do is think

but there's no way I could've thought of that on my own

I'm so fucking glad I have my parents here to remind me to do that all the goddamn time

and I'm glad they threaten me about it too

'cause I mean, without their threats then I would have no motivation to want to do anything except wallow in my pain for the rest of my life

I'm so glad I have my parents

without them I might be happy

Sweet Dreams to everyone who can have them

TO MY MOTHER

TO MY FATHER

IT'S YOUR SON or

it's your daughter

are my screams

loud enough for

you to hear me?

should I turn this up for you?

I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD

REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID

the silence gets us nowhere

gets us nowhere way too fast

the silence

is what kills me

I NEED SOMEONE

HERE TO HELP ME

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW TO LISTEN

AND LET ME MAKE

MY DECISION

I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD

REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID

the silence gets us nowhere

gets us nowhere

way too fast

ALL YOUR INSULTS

AND YOUR CURSES

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT A PERSON

AND I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING

but you made me

so do something

'CAUSE I'M FUCKED UP

BECAUSE YOU ARE

NEED ATTENTION

ATTENTION YOU COULDN'T GIVE

I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD

REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID

the silence

gets us nowhere

gets us nowhere

way too fast

I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD

REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID

the silence gets us nowhere

gets us nowhere

way too fast

-For You

Staind

the all caps parts sum up what I want to say to my parents

...lots of 'em, aren't there?

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