"Honestly" 2003-01-15 - 2:40 a.m.

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did you ever not realize something that was obvious to everyone else?

there was a very prophetic episode of Yu-Yu-Hakusho(an anime show I like) on tonight. It was the first episode again,

but it's the first time I've seen all of it

Yuske(the hero) gets killed(saving a kid from getting hit by a car) and since he was otherwise kind of a jerk the Spirit World didn't expect him to sacrifice himself for the kid, so they didn't have a place ready for him

so they give him the chance to earn a second chance at life

at first he turns it down, but they send him to see his own wake before he makes up his mind

and of course, seeing all these people he doesn't realize care about him crying over his body changes his mind

but the moral of my long-winded story is that I should open my eyes and realize that more people care about me than I'm aware of

probably

insecurity has been one of my biggest problems,

it's been with me all my life; and not without cause

from before I can remember, my dad has been insulting me

just screwing around, but before I knew the difference

then my "friends" going from second grade all through seventh, the whole time I was growing up

treated me like shit

made fun of me constantly

I was never their friend, I was their verbal punching bag

and on a few occasions their physical one

and the few friends I've found who were friendly with me were torn away

then all the girls who've turned me down over the years

every last one of 'em

just Alane didn't, but she didn't realize what she was getting into

it was better for both of us

but one girlfriend that I had nothing in common with over eighteen years of life(with my virginity intact) is pretty sad

if there's one thing my life has taught me, through all those lessons

is that people don't like me

so when I do find someone who says they care about me, I have...

-well, "trouble" would be a gross understatement-

...accepting it

so sometimes I freak out

send my friends wierd e-mails

I don't know what kind of reaction I'm hoping for with this

I just want to explain why I am the way I am

why it's so hard for me to get close to people and yet how often I express the desire to do so

when your formative years were spent with everyone who you value telling you you don't mean shit, and constantly reminding you of that

you get programmed that A)you are shit and B)that's what everyone's always going to tell you

so all I'm hoping for is someone who can be my best friend

as childish as that sounds

and what it takes for me to accept that is far more than what it takes for just about everyone else

even other screwed up people

and to be honest,

Stephanie is the person I value most

as if you all couldn't figure that out

Stephanie's who I want to be my best friend, because I feel such a connection with her

and for one there's little dumb things

like how I always call her rather than her calling me

or how we haven't had a really deep discussion in quite some time

or even how she never mentions me in her diary

but those are dumb shallow things

the main thing is with Evan

her and Evan are best friends

I'm second banana

and I'm not trying to say I'm jealous

I'm not saying I want that to change

I'm saying that's the way things are

and because of that, it really feeds my insecurities

usually she'll tell me "I don't know if I can do anything, I might be busy"

and yet I call and Evan is always there

is this dumb?

yes

is this shallow?

yes

is this childish as all hell?

yes

can I help it?

no

not without lots of therapy and help

but the fact is

that's the way I see things

and not that I want to "break up" Evan and Steph

I didn't rejoice when they fought(hell, you can go back and read my diary for proof)

it's not like Evan specifically bothers me or anything

I guess the main thing is just that I really am jealous

as much as I hate to admit it

it's not like I want Evan gone or anything

but we used to be a group

the three of us

and I loved that

I loved that so much

but now it's the two of them

and I'm old news

I would love to live together with all three of us

but now it seems to be the two of them with me in the background

but I don't know

*sigh*

I'm an asshole

if you both want to get insulted and scream at me

feel free

I more than deserve it

hell, I think somewhere deep down in my subconscious it's what I'm waiting for

I don't know

that's the way I see things

is it good?

not at all

I'm fucked up

I'm a creep

and I'm a jerk

but at least I'm honest about it

but on the upside, I talked to Jeanisdead on IM for the first time

she's really cool

talking to her is eerily like talking to Robyn...

but it's not like I don't enjoy that

so yeah, both groovy people

I don't know

even though I kind of ended this with things that will make people angry,

I just hope that the message I was trying to convey got through

I don't expect that to excuse the asshole things I say or do,

but I'm hoping that at least from now on you'll know why

but whatever

Sweet Dreams

I need an easy friend

I do need an ear to lend

I do think you fit this shoe

I do hope you have a clue

but I can't see you every night...

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