"alone" 2003-01-14 - 12:29 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

I'm so lonely

learning songs on guitar and watching taped She-Ra episodes is no replacement for friendship

my mom brought up how I'm always at home again

she's always bugging me about going back to school or getting a job

she can't quite grasp that I can't

she asked me: "don't you get lonely?"

I gave her some BS response,

blew her off

I always do that

but I am

I'm desperately lonely

I really need someone

to talk to

to hold me

to be there for me

like I've tried to be there for you

I'm not pointing fingers

I'm beyond that

it's pointless

last night I wrote about how I didn't matter to anyone

and all day I've been checking my e-mail every ten mintues

hoping for some responce

someone to say: "Brett, you do matter"

but no dice

and I'd give anything for someone

but there's no one

all I've got is my diary

white type on a black screen

me talking to myself

I'm the only friend I've ever had

and it'll always be that way

I was torn away from everyone I felt close to

up until now

but at least being torn away saved me from finding out that I didn't mean to them what they meant to me

up until now

even Raven

my "role model"

the wrestler that I foolishly base so much of my life on

has turned his back on me

he hasn't given a promo in forever

no more speeches

no more insight into his "inner pain"

he's ditched his attire

first he went from grunge to goth

I did the opposite, but at least he was different

now he wears black briefs

just like almost everyone else

and he cut his hair

just like everyone else

no he's no different than anyone else

my "role model" has turned into a placeholder for what used to be something meaningful

wrestling's fake

and the character was just that, a character

but through that character

through that archetype

I found guidance

but now the character's gone

and even people I valued from afar have left me

no one reads this anymore

I'm typing to myself

but myself is the only one who will listen

and myself is the only one who will talk to me

I used to hate myself

just like all my "friends" do now

look in the mirror and abhor what stared back at me

hate the way I acted

hate the way I thought

hate the way I was

hate who I was

hate what I was

but no more

not for a long time now

because all I've got is myself

there's no one else

�

�