A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"ruiner" 2003-01-02 - 8:20 p.m.

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I've ruined things

with Stephanie

again

I'm just one of her problems now

and a low priority one at that

we used to be best friends, spend every day together

now she just gives me a few tired words telling me not to worry, and moves on

I've ruined things

I know I have

any plans I may have thought we had about living together after high school are quickly becoming revealed to be the fantasies of mine that they really were

and in no way real

I've gotten over my little freak out, she's my friend, and that's all I want her to be

but it's too late

of course she'll deny it

leave me a note saying that she's just got a lot of other shit going on

that I shouldn't worry

but I know

I've ruined things

I'm now part of the shit

and a small part at that

Goddamnit

she told me once that I make it hard to be close to

and she's right

and now I've made it too hard

goddamnit

fucking goddamnit

I've fucked up again

tonight I was going to apologize to her

ask her if she wanted to live with me after high school or not

but I didn't have the heart

I got a stuttering "I'm sorry" or two out

tried to tell her that I've gotten over my confusion

but I couldn't get any further

she's got problems, I know that

and I know that now I'm one of them

something she doesn't need

goddamnit

she said she doesn't like it when I vent in here

but the truth is that for one I don't like to talk behind people's backs

that's a fucked way to do things, if I have something to say then I say it to the person's face

and for two

I don't really have anyone else to talk to

I have Stephanie and my diary

and that's it

and Stephanie reads my diary

Evan and Misty aren't close enough to talk about this kind of stuff with

and I don't like to burden Robyn with my problems

which leaves Stephanie

so when I have a problem involving Stephanie; I'm stuck without anyone really to talk to

and I say: "don't take offense" and apologize in advance because I know I don't mean it

I know my vision is clouded with anger and all I'm doing is exaggerating and spewing crap

but all I'm doing is making her feel bad about responding

goddamnit

I've ruined things again

that's just what I do

goddamnit

we used to be best friends,

used to do everything together

now I'm just another one of those confused boys that loves her

someone she still talks to even though he's confused

goddamnit

that's not what I want to be to her

and I try to make it clear that that's not what I am

but...

it's too late

I've ruined things again

Steph, you have to realize that you're the ONLY important person/thing in my life

(no offence to any of my other friends who read this; but what can I say?)

when I get lonely and freak out, I start wishing for more with you

when I get angry, I take it out on you

when I have a problem I try and come to you

'cause you mean so much to me

I don't try to make things hard

but I can't help it

if I said it once I've said it a thousand times: I'm terrible at dealing with people

and since you're the person I feel closest to, since you're the only person I feel really attached to; you get the brunt of my emotions when they get too powerful

and I'm sorry

I wish it didn't have to be like this

but I can't help it

and I'm sorry

I'm so very sorry

and if you want to yell at me, or scream at me

or even hurt me

feel free

if you want to take out all your emotional baggage on me, please do

you'd only be repaying what I've done to you

I can't say I'm sorry enough times

I don't know how I could possibly convey my feelings to you

and I don't know how I can fix the way I've made things

but I'm sorry

and that's all that I can say

I'm so very sorry

and don't waste your time trying to cheer me up

you've got your own problems

deal with them

don't waste your time on me

I've done nothing to deserve it

I've done nothing to deserve your friendship

even if you do just see me as 'one of those confused boys...'

I've done nothing to even deserve that much

just know that I'm so very sorry

Remember I will always love you

as I claw your fucking throat away

it will end no other way

�