"untitled" 2002-12-30 - 11:48 p.m.

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after I woke up this morning I did a sketch of myself from last night when I freaked out

I wonder if that's normal?

do other depressed artists do sketches of themselves as they drink their coffee the morning after they've been depressed?

no I don't

wonder, that is

I couldn't give a fuck what anyone else does

the only person I've ever been concerned about is me

the way I do things

the way I dress

the way I act

the music I listen to

it sounds so cool and romantic to say so

but it's false

I was such a little wannabe until 4 years ago

I always wanted to be cool

but was always behind on the fashions

well, except rap

I listened to rap before it was the cool thing to do

I was the first white kid in the town I lived in at the time to listen to rap

then I saw Korn's Freak on a Leash video on MTV

in the words of Layne Staley:

"changed my hair and my clothes, became a 'rock guy'"

still trying to be cool, just in a different crowd

of course, everyone started listening to rap as soon as I stopped

oh well

then years later I started dressing how I wanted

still in style

just ten years behind

and that's just fine with me

listen to "the cool music"

for 1992

and that fits me just fine

oh well, Nirvana and Pearl Jam were the two biggest grunge bands

and I'll take Alice over both of those two combined any day

what does this have to do with anything?

not a goddamned thing

when people are faced with a serious enough problem, they go into "regression"

when sexually abused children are facing those problems brought to light ten years later,

they 'regress' back to the mindset of little children

before it all started happening

they play with toys

talk like little kids

and for all intents and purposes become little kids mentally

but I'm not regressing

I'm digressing

my mind is wandering to avoid my problems

and it's taking this entry with it

yesterday I really freaked out

drove to Wilson at 1:30 in the morning

sat there cowering in the shadows

shaking half from the cold and half from my problems

burned myself with a cigarette

a few times

one of the blisters popped today when I was working on my car with my dad

my arm scraped against this sharp metal object that tore it open

suddenly I had a little pink spot on my arm with no grease on it

took me a bit to figure out what it was

digressing, again

then I came home and cried

curled up in a fetal position on my floor in the dark

and that, boys and girls, is a good time when you're a fucked up teenager

for those of you who couldn't figure out my entry last night; I think I may have fallen in love with Stephanie again

there's quite the difference between simply "loving her" and being "in love" with her

one's not so bad

while one seems to cause all sorts of problems

but at the same time, I don't know if I am or not

one second I think I'm just her friend

next second I'm thinking I love her so much it hurts

and at the same time I'm thinking "maybe it's not so bad"

after all, sex isn't that important to me, I could get by with just being her really close friend

as long as she wants to hang out with me all the time

but that's not how it works

spending every second I'm with her wishing we had something more, wishing either she was straight or I was a girl is BAD

in big, capitol letters

I don't want that to be happening

I don't want to have me feeling something like that about her, something that she'd have to deal with

I don't know

I just don't know

is being in love with her really such a bad thing?

it is when that love can never happen

why is it that I can't just accept our friendship?

I really do love it

I cherish our friendship more than anything else

of course, that's the root of the problem

I wish I had a girlfriend

if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't be thinking this about her

I wish I could just accept us as friends

I don't know

this passed before

after I had a mild psychotic episode and sort-of-fought with her for months

God

I don't want that to happen again

I don't want this to happen again

this sucks

see, being a guy and falling in love with a lesbian = pain, boys and girls

I don't want every time we're together for her to be worried about what kind of things I'm wishing for

I don't want every time we're together to be tainted by my childish desires

and it all sounds so dirty

like I'm lusting after her or something

I'm not

I'm not saying she's not attractive; but I am saying that that is by no means the first thing on my mind

we connect so well, I like to think I know her so well; and she knows me better than I know myself, and we get along so well

that's why I cherish the time we spend together

and it's only bloody logical that I want to develop that into something more

but I can't

and so I shouldn't wish for it

I shouldn't put that pressure on her, make her know that I want more

but I can't help it

this is so fucked up

I think she's the girl of my dreams

she's exactly what I would want in a wife/partner/whatever you want to call it

she's so close, and I can't have her

and what bothers me far far more than that

is that I can't accept that I can't have it

I'd be more than happy to just settle for being friends

in many, many ways I like that better

not having to worry about sexual type stuff with her

not having to worry about an ugly break up

but for some reason I want more

and I just can't let it go

and I don't want to do that to her

I don't want to force her to be around another person who just wants to date her

I don't know

I don't know how to feel

at the same time I feel justified

in that the only thing I'm doing wrong is loving her too much

and that doesn't sound like it should be a bad thing

but it can be

and it is

and there's the problem

I hate myself

I just wish things would be simple

I just wish they'd work out

but they aren't

and they won't

and I don't know what to do

I don't think I should continue the comic

or at the very least, we should change Stephanie's character

as it stands that's a very dangerous order of things

(but on the shallow end of things; if I do continue it; then I need you all to write short back-stories for your characters, ie-why they're so fucked up and how they came to be experts at whatever it is they're experts at. I'm trying to fit all four stories into one comic, so think cuts-from-one-important-event-to-another summary type stories]

I don't know

I don't know

I don't know anything

can I start over?

wouldn't help

the same result would occur

me in love with Stephanie

who doesn't share it

yeah, I know she loves me

but she's not in love with me

and for a very good reason

and something that's not her fault, nor do I want her to change

I just wish...

I just wish things would work out

one way or the other

I just wish that things weren't like this

and that's all I can do

just wish

and therein lies my real problem

I've never been good at changing the things that are wrong with me

I just sit and cry about them and get all depressed

and now I'm doing the "insane rambling" thing again

hee hee

it's what I do best

I don't know

I'm in no position to say anything

about anything

at all

I'm going to go watch Singles

Sweet Dreams

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