A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Hurt" 2002-12-29 - 11:50 p.m.

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I've let myself become so dependant

I've let someone in

let them become an integral part of my life

we all know who

just two days without them and my head is racing

thoughts swirling

ranging from the sensible to the insane

so worried

about if it means anything

how they'll react to my feelings

about how much I've let them mean to me

and if I don't mean as much to them

so freakin' screwed up

one person meaning so much

and yet...

two days without them and I'm going insane

should one person mean this much to me?

can one person mean this much?

and yet, it can only go so far

and just talking like this probably makes it look like it's gone too far

and maybe it has

again

I don't know

I just don't know

I wasn't meant to be around people

wasn't meant to form relationships

I just wish that I could function like a normal person when put in that situation

I just wish that these type of things didn't always end up with a catch

a major catch

and so things are complicated again

and instead of just letting things be I have to step right onto the fuckin' land mine

I'm worried they'll think that I've crossed that line

again

and maybe they're right to worry

I don't know

I just don't know

I just wish that they would comfort me

assure me that they understand

that I shouldn't worry

but I don't know if that would be right

it may be right to worry

I don't know

I just don't know

I don't want this to be happening

this isn't fair

why can't I just have a normal friendship? Why is this so hard?

I've had friendships before

they've never gone like this

damnit

God damnit

motherfucking god damnit

I've crossed the line again

goddamnit

I fucking hate myself

how could I have let this happen?

A-fucking-gain

Goddamnit

I hate myself so much

again

how could I have let this happen again?!

Goddamnit

why can't I just let this be a regular friendship?

why do I have to wish for something more?

godamnit

goddamnit

what's fucking wrong with me?

goddamnit

I think I need some time away from them

but I don't want to

I want to be close to them

but that's my problem

but just spending time away won't fix this

what the fuck am I supposed to do?

why the fuck am I having this problem in the first place!?!

I fucking hate myself

goddamnit

why can't things be fucking simple for once?

I don't want to wish that they would change

who and what they are is who and what they are

I'm the one having fucking problems with it

it's my problem to be fixed, nothing that they should do

fuck

again

fucking goddamnit

fuck me

why?

why's it have to be this way?

fuck

why do I have to have this problem?

why can't I just accept things?

I like things the way they are

I really don't want more

but for some reason I do

and I wish I didn't

I wish so much that I didn't

what the fuck is wrong with me?

fucking goddamnit

I'm hurting them

I'm hurting them by feeling so strongly

I don't want them to change

but if it would make this situation ok, then I wish they would

but it's my problem and it's my responsibilty to change

Goddamnit

I hate myself

I know we all say that

over and over and fucking over

but I mean it

I'm not just hurting myself

I'm hurting others; just by being there

just by knowing you I'm fucking with your emotions

fucking with their emotions

and that's the last person in the world I want to fuck with

Goddamnit

I wish this situation would work out

whether they changed or I changed

but I wish I changed, 'cause then they wouldn't have to

I'm rambling

rambling like I'm insane

but I suppose I'm not

by definition; "insane" means: 'not sane'

and I dare anyone to call this 'sane'

fuck me

I hate myself

you should run

they should run

they know who they are

and they'll say that they won't

that they stay for a reason

but is it really worth it?

is it really worth it for the shit I put you through?

is it really worth it for the fucking problems I have?

the problems that bleed onto you?

fuck me

I hate myself

I fucking hate myself

fuck me

goddamnit

why?

why? why? why?

oh Goddamnit

I want to hurt myself

I want to cut myself

I want to burn myself

I want to sever a certain body part

but hurting myself wouldn't solve the problem

it's pointless

I abhorr the pointless

and severing that body part would also be meaningless

because that's not what I'm thinking with

this has nothing to do with it

well... not the way I feel

but I suppose it has everything to do with how they feel

would it help?

if I got a sex-change, would you feel the same?

goddamnit

don't answer that

for the love of God, don't answer that

the answer to that question is only going to fuck me up far worse than anything else in the entire world

I hate myself

run

please

get as far away from me as you can

I'm only hurting you

I'm only making you hurt

I'm crying now

I hate myself

I'm the worst person I know

why can't I just be the kind of friend I wish I was?

why's it have to be this way?

I'm going to end with lyrics

they'll say what I wish I could in an eloquint manner

they'll express it in a way that makes sense

not my insane ramblings

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stain of time

The feeling disappears

You are someone else

I am still right here

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire or dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

-Hurt

Nine Inch Nails

not perfect

not by a longshot

but the chorus

the chorus is for you

�