"Dirt" 2002-12-08 - 1:13 a.m.

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I broke down in front of my parents today

my mom came home for dinner and asked me if I applied for a job today, I hadn't and reminding me made me all depressed

I could barely eat

my mom asked me what was wrong

so I told her

my dad reacted the exact way I knew he would

and I just couldn't take it

I started sobbing uncontrollably right there

the first time I've really cried since my grandmother's funeral 3 years ago

I finally got my point across amidst all the tears

and it sounds like my family understands

and I made my dad promise that if I can't make it back to school for whatever psychological problems I may have, he'll support me

but I don't think he will

I feel better about it

it no longer feels like I'm being strangled constantly

but I still don't feel all too optimistic about it

I finally hung out with Evan and Stephanie again today

it felt good

even if Steph didn't call me back

met/saw Brittany again

she always kind of reminded me of Jessica

not 'cause she really looks or acts like her

but...

I don't know why really

she just does

yeah, she's cool though

smoked about three cigarettes today

I think I'm going to keep buying Pall Malls

they taste like death

and that's why I smoke 'em

cigarettes bring me comfort 'cause they remind me I'm dying

and because they make me feel like I'm actually doing something to aid the process instead of sitting on my ass and waiting for it to happen

yeah, I hope I get to hang out with Brittany again

and I'll call Steph tomorrow and hope we can hang out

and Stephanie-Seriously, what do you want for Christmas? You were far too nice to me when I was sick for me not to get you something. I have to get you something, so you might as well make it something you want. Everybody wants stuff

Sweet Dreams

I Have Never Felt Such Frustration

Or Lack Of Self Control

I Want You To Kill Me

And Dig Me Under, I Wanna Live No More

One Who Doesn't Care Is One Who Shouldn't Be

I've Tried To Hide Myself From What Is

Wrong For Me, For Me

I Want To Taste Dirty, A Stinging Pistol

In My Mouth, On My Tongue

I Want You To Scrape Me From The Walls

And Go Crazy Like You've Made Me

You, You Are So Special

You Have The Talent To

Make Me Feel Like Dirt

And You, You Use Your

Talent To Dig Me Under

And Cover Me With Dirt

-Dirt

Alice in Chains

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