"Lose" 2002-12-07 - 2:38 a.m.

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I haven't written in here in a while

nothing's happened that couldn't be handled in my livejournal

I was supposed to trim my hair tonight

I was supposed to take a shower

I was supposed to get cleaned up so I could go apply for a job tomorrow

[it wouldn't matter anyway; my hair's not quite long enough to pull back all the way yet, and I have a huge zit on the side of my mouth; making me aesthetically unappealing to potential employers. Not to mention my almost complete lack of experience, and add to that the recession making hordes of people sramble for jobs and I'm pretty low on the list of what employers are looking for]

but I can't make myself

the zoloft does nothing; I'm too depressed to even want to hang out with my friends almost

[holy shit, I just realized I have the shirt that the kid that sneaks into the concert in the video for "Big Me" by the Foo Fighters wore]

I'll try though

the friends thing, not the job; I can't bring myself to do that

it's not even worth it

I should work out too

start getting myself back in shape

I have put on a little weight spending months sitting on my ass eating junk food[Before anyone gets the notion that I'm overtly worried about my weight, let me say I don't care. I try to keep my strength/muscles in good shape, and that's all I mean when I say that], but the fact is that I was emaciated before

when I layed down on my back I looked like a holocaust photo

but now I've gone up to just pretty damn thin

my metabolism is disturbingly fast

I can actually do 40 sit-ups and have my stomach be flatter and more well defined than when I started

no exaggeration

but yeah, I have no reason to talk about any of that crap

I just have nothing else really to talk about

except I have a problem

when I think about going back to school I get so nervous that I make myself sick, medication or no

but I don't know how I can prove to anyone that I'm not just lying to get out of going back to school

I'm going to have to argue with my parents to get them to believe me, if I can even do that

then I have to put up with more correspondance courses and internet school

which sucks

I actually fucking want to go back to school, I hate correspondance courses and all that shit

and if I'm going to school then my parents won't give me as much shit about my inability to find a job

but I can't

at least, I don't think I can

but hell if I can convince anyone

my parents are more than likely going to force me to go back

and there's the possibility that I'll get over it and be able to hack it

but it'll be hell for at least a week

and last time I was in school it was hell all the time; even before I got sick

I don't think I can do that

and the thought of how I'm gonna have to fight so hard to try and make things work out, knowing that I'll probably fail

it's depressing

too bad my therapist doesn't actually conduct therapy at our sessions

they're so fucking pointless

things suck right now

I need a cigarette

but I can't smoke at home for fear my parents would catch me

I can't wait 'till I can move

there's a mildly amusing anecdote/story about when I bought my current pack of cigarettes, but I'll save it for a day I'm feeling better

Can't believe a single word I've said

And every subject's the only one that's dead

And there's nothing from my side

Just yourself

You'll split

I'll began

'Bout to fight

Greatest stories pass, in my mind

Must be a better way to pass my time

To think the focus just belongs to me

Selfish man, I know I'm nothing to me

So when I thought I had more to say

Swimmin' in my head

Chained to this corpse

For one more day

Little lies start around

Not a show, feel so down

And I struggle right inside out

Reach the wall, spiral down

Retchedness

I'm hardly standing still

I'll be there

Sometimes thinking right

I can't believe I was chosen to exist

'Cause only Jesus Christ can slit his wrists, he says

So though we kill this need to always understand

Cut the world and tell me it fits on the back of your hand

-Lose

Dinosaur Jr

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