"Stranglehold" 2002-12-02 - 3:45 a.m.

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when I was little

I'd be sitting on the couch, watching tv or something

my dad would walk into the room

he'd walk over and lay down on top of me

he'd pin me onto the couch

he'd have a big smile on his face and say: "boy, I'm tired, I feel like taking a nap" then he'd shut his eyes and pretend to sleep

just playing around

he's always been around 200 pounds

I was a little kid

I couldn't move under his weight

he was just playing around

I was terrified

I'd scream: "Dad I can't breathe! Get off me! I can't breathe!"

he'd continue playing asleep

sometimes he'd laugh or maybe tell me that if I couldn't breathe I wouldn't be able to yell

he'd lay there until he got tired of hearing me scream or my mom would come in and make him get off

then he'd tickle me or something

to him it was always playing around

I was always truly terrified

that's what it feels like is happening now

as I lay in bed trying unsuccessfully to sleep I feel like I'm being smothered

I'm thinking and I'm realizing that everything I do I have to think of my parents

everything I do they're in control of somehow

they're in every aspect of my life and I can't breathe

my mom's telling me not to stress about college, that I should just worry about high school and that I can take a year off if I want before I go to college

I really can't

I'd go insane living with my parents for another year

I'm thinking and I'm realizing that I'm nowhere near as stressed about the consequences of my actions and life in general as I am about my parents' reactions to the way I'm doing things

when I attempted suicide, I wasn't really thinking about not being able to live on with this disease

I still had hope it was curable

I was thinking about what my mom was going to say when she found out I stayed home from school again

and that caused me to try and end my life

sure, it may not sound like much

but that was just the tip of the iceburg

it feels like I'm going to cry now and I don't even know why

I guess it's maybe because I still have six months with this feeling

this feeling that I'm being strangled

in my livejournal they have a little "mood" option at the bottom

I doubt the little menu contains "strangling"

when my parents went away for the thanksgiving weekend, they left wednesday night and got back friday night

thursday I was all by myself

It felt great

I woke up alone

I watched tv alone

I played video games alone

I sang alone

I ate dinner alone

I went to sleep alone

I didn't see my parents all day

for one glorious day I didn't have to worry about what they thought or how they would react

it was just like a dream

just like heaven

college time can't come fast enough

got me in a stranglehold, baby

I best get outta the way

I can't breathe

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