"Is This Goodbye? Only Time Will Tell, True Believers!" 2002-10-24 - 8:20 p.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

sadly, I must report on my stomach again

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow

it's gotten that bad

it may just be for a few hours or something; but I get the feeling I'm going to be there for a while

I did a (very)little bit of research into just what I may have; and my symptoms narrow it to three diseases:

1)Irritable Bowel Syndrome

this is what everyone thinks I have; but I've already explained why I don't think that's it. Either way it's incurable, and there's still a chance that that's it.

2)Diverticular Disease

I don't know too much about this one; other than it has something to do with the amounts of fiber in your diet. I have no idea if it's curable or not.

3)Bowel Cancer

yep. That's actually one of the possibilities. I know I joked about it alot, but now that the possibility is actually becoming more and more serious I'm inclined to wipe that damn smirk off my face.

I don't fear death. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about what I'll be missing. I'll never get to play Lalapalooza. I'll never get to stand in front of my mic and say: "This song goes out to Joey and Dee dee". I'll never come out to the ring to my theme music. I'll never do the crucifix in the turnbuckle. I'll never finish my fucking comic.

I'll never get laid. I'll never get married. I'll never have kids. I'll never get to snuggle with my lover and just watch the sunset or stargaze or something.

But that's all assuming I have bowel cancer, and that if I do it's not treatable.

Of course, I don't know, but if I have either of the other diseases and neither are curable; that'll kill me too.

Of course, the M.E.'s report will say "suicide", but it'll be the same thing.

There's still the chance that this is just some wierd creation of my own mind. That I'm not actually as sick as it feels like I am.

*sigh*

so many possibilities.

very few of them pleasant

of course that brings up the possibility that this could be my last diary entry

I could go to the hospital tomorrow, have them find out it is something serious and fatal, and just keep me there until I die.

It's a pretty slim possibility, but it's still a possibility.

I don't even know what to say if that's what happens

assuming I have more than an hour to live; I'll probably have everyone I want to talk to come to the hospital, tell them what I'm leaving them[I actually thought over who I'm going to have come to the hospital and what I'm going to give each of them should that happen].

and for all you faithful readers out there on the web[thanks Jeanisdead; you seem to be the only one]; thanks for taking the time to be interested in my loser ass.

Ha

I'm making way too big a deal out of this

of course, what I'm worrying about actually is a possibility; however slim

but it's not a very big one.

so just chill

and please; no one say a damn thing unless I don't update tomorrow

in which case I may not be able to read any of it anyway

but there's the possibility I may just be kept at the hospital for a few days and come out fine; or just be doing something for some reason that would keep me from my computer

so... I don't know

but either way; don't anyone get all mushy until you're pretty sure I'm dead.

but I probably won't be; so no worries

yeah, I'm just rambling now

I've got my mind set that this is going to be my last entry; even though the rational part of my brain is telling me that it won't be; and no one in my family is good at goodbyes

so yeah, umm... in case I don't make it; I love you all

ash to ash

dust to dust

Fade to Black...

If there is a hell,

I'll see you there

-Heresy

Nine Inch Nails

�

�