"Sludge Factory" 2002-10-14 - 7:14 p.m.

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jammed with Trevor and some other kid today

only not really

we all showed up and some of us played instruments at one time or another but none of us were all playing at the same time

I barely played at all

I could barely focus for some reason; and therefore what little skills I had in improvising flew out the window

I hate the fact that I can't improvise; it really fucking bothers me

I can only play other's music; and if I try really hard I can write my own; but I can't just let the music flow out of me

I must not be a musician

just a fucking phony with a guitar

a wannabe; a 'poser' if you will

fuck me

when I was sitting there with my bass in my hands watching Aaron and Trevor jam out with amazing talent it felt like I'd dove into water with concrete shoes and figured just being able to swim would save me

it made me miss Robyn so much

I just wish she listened to grunge

which makes me feel like even more of a fucking asshole then I already am

and the main reason I think I haven't called her is that she doesn't hate me

she should

I was a fucking asshole to her on more than one occasion

by all rights she should want me fucking dead

but she doesn't

and my simple mind just cannot seem to understand why not; and so I try and avoid the question(and subsequently her) altogether

I don't see why the fuck anyone cares about me

I really don't

I'm not a good person

I'm not enjoyable to be around

I'm a fucking asshole

but people still find my company enjoyable for some reason

and I still can't grasp why Stephanie can even stand to see me; let alone hang out with me anymore

but she does

and I'm sure if I called Robyn she'd jump at the chance to hang out

I need a girlfriend who'll treat me like shit

someone that would put me in the situation where I could sing "Self Esteem" by Offspring and have it apply perfectly

I don't want a girlfriend that would treat me like shit

but what I want and what I need are two different things

I'm more used to relationships where I'm the punching bag of the group, not a valued member

fuck

I hate this

I hate me

I hate the fact that I can't appreciate what I have

I hate the fact that I whine about how people don't like me, but when they do I whine about that

I hate the fact that I can't think up my own catchphrase

I hate the fact that that bothers me

I hate the fact that I buy clothes at the thrift store all the time

not because I'm buying them there, but because I'm going out and buying clothes I don't need

I fucking hate all this

Soy un per de dor

I'm a loser baby;

so why don't you fucking kill me?

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