"Lover's Rock" 2002-09-05 - 11:50 p.m.

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Feeling much better today; thank you.

The only problem is my goddamn aunt is still out there. She was supposed to be gone by today; but due to a change of plans she's still here. That pisses me off to no end; mainly because not only do I have left over pizza in the fridge that I can't microwave; but I have a taste for cereal and pouring it would be too noisy. Goddamn it. Anyway; I want to say something to Evan but I doubt yelling at him would really convince him to join the band. I suppose it's not really yelling; but nobody likes having their faults pointed out. I don't know; I doubt he still reads this anyway. But on the off chance he does I'll keep it to the succinct: I have had to make a new life every two years for the past almost 18 years. And I've only got a few months before it 'comes 'round again'; and I get the feeling that no matter what I may be planning now; It's going to end with me going away to college somewhere; and starting again. I don't know. No matter how much other people may be able to "one-up" me when it comes to bad life experiences; I think that's the one spot I hold the trump card in. But I digress. I don't know. I've probably already said too much. *sigh* in other news: I had a nice conversation with Robyn today. I'm starting to realize things. I just wish I could tell her in person; but I don't think I have the "testicular fortitude" so I'll say it here in the hopes that she'll read it. Fuck. I'm bad at this. I know that despite what I told Stephanie; I probably do throw the word "love" around lightly. Or more accurately the emotion. I've given months of thought to this and come to the conclusion that because I feel so "lovelorn" as it were; that anyone I can form a bond with I attach strong feelings to that maybe I wouldn't really feel if I wasn't so screwed up. But I don't know; this time I feel something else. Something about this feels so right. Yeah, that's right Robyn; I am in love with you. But this time feels different than the other times. This time I want to tell you; this time that need means more to me than the fears that kept me from saying it to the people I 'loved' before. This time I want this to happen. When I'm not around you I want to be around you; when I am around you I don't want to leave. Just hearing your voice cheers me up. When you're happy it makes me happy; when you're sad it makes me sad. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. That day I thought you... you know; was the scariest day of my life. I couldn't think straight. I tried meditating but nothing worked until I heard your voice. I don't even want to picture my life without you. I would never dream of hurting you. Even when I'm angry; when I can't control myself; when I lash out at people and things around me; I can't bring myself to lash out at you. I know some of this sounds a lot like what I've said before; to someone else; and I can't promise that things will work out; no one can tell the future; but by God I'm willing to try. I want to make it work this time; and I want to make it work with you. I love you Robyn. I really love you. I don't know a better way to say this; but I want to be your boyfriend; I want to play house with you until we actually own one. I- wait, I think I actually do know this time. For once my mind is clear; and this is what I want. I want you Robyn; I love you.

you're so pretty when the tears are running down those cheeks. i want to kiss away your pain but you're too far away...come back to me, kid. come sit on this couch. let me dry your tears and whisper into your ear. it'll be ok, it'll be all right...

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