"You Lied" 2002-08-17 - 8:08 p.m.

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guess who's back?

back again

I knew last night I would write in here again. People do strange things when they're angry; hit loved ones, swear off activities they enjoy, leave places they belong. I guess what I did wasn't at all serious, but I acted all final last nite, when even at the time I knew bloody well I wasn't. But I'm far from happy again. The only soft spot in my anger is hoping that any of my actions didn't upset Robyn. But it's funny, I've been thinking about Raven lately, yep, he's back. In my tradition of comparing him to the wrestler: it's as if those little comforting notes from Steph and Robyn injured him, but he's healed and ready for in-ring competition again. But that's not what I'm thinking about. I'm wondering if his creation was involuntary, the result of trauma sparking the creation of an evil alter ego like I've been saying; or if somewhere deep down in my subconscious he was voluntary, like in Me, Myself & Irene. I'm really nice, I never get angry, and if so not for long, I can't blame anyone for anything, and despite what Stephanie and Evan may think, I never do anything to hurt anyone else. Never. And so this leaves me to wonder if I created Raven in my subconscious to let out all those emotions I bottle and refuse to indulge, the anger, the bitterness, all that, and if along the way he just got combined with the depression I had. And while my saratonin levels may be balanced, my psyche sure as hell aint. I may not get depressed for no reason anymore, but I'm still two different people. And even though I shared that tidbit, I still don't feel like sharing the majority of my feelings, save for this; which only Robyn will get: I want a cigarette.

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