"The End *?*" 2002-08-17 - 2:40 a.m.

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"Look mommy, Brett's in one of those moods where he doesn't feel like sharing."

Damn straight.

I don't feel like sharing any of my personal feelings right now, there's too many too fast too hard to put into words, to share with other human beings. Even though many of them involve people who would likely read this. But you're getting none of them. But I would like to say that I've changed my little description on my profile for a reason. It had been a somewhat abbreviated and paraphrased version of Behind Blue Eyes, by the Who; but a line's been bothering me for a while now:

No one bites back as hard; on their anger. None of my pain and woe can show through

That used to be so true of me. Nobody used to know when I was in pain, I swallowed it all and acted happy and nobody thought any different. And I used to be so proud of that. But then I started talking to people here, first Mariah really, on IM, started sharing all my problems with her. One day it just got to the point where I didn't think I could hold it in, but had I been alone as usual I would've anyway. But she was there, online, and so I confessed my pains to her, and then I couldn't stop, I was hooked. I started doing it more often, whenever I hurt, and then I got this thing. I don't talk to Mariah anymore, but I pour my soul into this thing on a practically nightly basis, letting my pain and inner turmoil be served up as public property, so that my friends and other wandering souls on the internet can read it and get a look into me that I never (ee-ee-eeever) allowed anyone before. What was once locked and private is now common knowledge, as public as a newspaper if anyone wants to take the time to look. To say I'll never write in here again would be naive, but that possibility's looming quite large right now. Opening myself up and allowing myself to look into others and be looked into has only resulted in enormous portions of drama that I detest. And while it's too late now to curtail any of that, and I doubt stopping now would halt any new drama that would possibly arise; writing in this seems a bit trivial and a bit too vulnerable for me at the moment. I doubt this will be my last entry, but it might be my last for a while.

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