"Should I Stay or Should I Go?" 2002-07-27 - 11:51 p.m.

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Yeah, I was really tired when I wrote that entry last night, so it came out wrong and actually shot in the foot what the point of it was supposed to be. Stephanie sent me an e-mail explaining a few things and getting a little defensive when she wasn't supposed to have to explain anything at all. So I fucked up again, if I didn't have to share the internet with my parents I would've deleted that entry as soon as I woke up. Wrote a better one maybe, but it's too late now. Might as well leave it up as a monument to my horrible communication skills. Ah well, I can only hope the responding e-mail I sent will actualy make the point I wanted. Of course telling her I might start calling her 'popeye'(it had to do with the e-mail) probably didn't help. But I don't care. I love her, but if I can't get what I'm trying to say across, and she doesn't want to hang out with me, I can't do anything about it. So I'll listen to 'Nowhere Man', I'll smoke cigarettes when I get them, I'll eventually do something with my life, and then someday I'll die. I'm thinking of just taking off for college after high school anyway, if she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, or if she doesn't want to live with me after high school, I'll just go. Get the hell out of this desert, leave Tucson in my rearview mirror, and maybe find a nice place in New Orleans, or some city where there's a good film school. This place is starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth already. She's the only reason I'd have to stick around. Everything else I held valuable in this place is either gone or dead. Admittedly there wasn't much else, but it really was worth it while it lasted. But that's all gone now, and if things fall apart with her, then there's no reason to be here. I can't wait to get out of here as it is, the only reason I'd think to stay was for her. Just to be her friend, not to be held by her, or expect her to turn straight or any bullshit like that. Then as soon as she said: "Me and Judy want our own place; somewhere where we don't have to see you in your boxers every morning." I'd be gone. But it just seems that no matter what I say, it just makes things go a new direction of wrong, so fuck it. If she doesn't want me as her friend, I'll spend another year in my room, like I did last year, another year of 'prison time' as I called it. Then after graduation I'll hop in my van and Tucson'll be so much dust kicked up behind my tires. But if she wants me to stay, I'll stay. Shit, I've already been saying the same thing over and over for a while now, so that's it for this one.

"Should I stay or should I go now?

If I stay there will be trouble,

if I go there will be double;

Darlin' you got to let me know,

should I stay or should I go?"

-Should I stay or should I go

The Clash

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