"About A Girl" 2002-07-27 - 4:37 a.m.

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*sigh* I've been promising an entry about what I've figured out over my two weeks away from Stephanie for some time, and I guess now's as good a time as any to finally write the damned thing. Where to begin? I don't know, I guess the thing I realized most over all my thinking was that I love her more than anything or anyone else. She really has become the center of my life. Out of my 60 some(I believe) entries, there's not 5 that don't at least mention her. I'd gladly do or give anything for her. She means more to me than life itself. It sounds sappy, but I can't help it. It probably also sounds stupid because I've fallen deeply and madly in love with someone I can't have a romantic relationship(and I don't mean just sex) with. I don't know, it's not like I don't want it, but I don't expect it, y'know? I'm not making any plans that have anything to do with a romantic relationship with her, hell, the most intimate I plan to get with her is maybe providing the sperm for that turkey-baster trick thing she's planning to do when she wants to have kids. But I digress. Anyway, another thing would be somewhat related to that stuff. I'm always talking about how much I love her and stuff, and how I'd do anything for her, but she never seemed to care. A lot of my issues are based on people I care about not caring about me, and so that's a really big need I have. And while she started to be a little more vocal about caring for me just before I took my little two weeks off, I can't quite shake the bad stuff. Like the first time I ever told her I loved her was in a note I wrote her, and told her not to read until after I'd left. So later that night I talked to her on the internet and found out that she had read it while I was there; I hadn't even known, she'd had no reaction whatsoever. Now I guess I really didn't know what to expect, the point of writing it in a note was so she could just react in writing later, and I guess I should be glad she didn't get all freaked out, but I had just confessed my love for her and it hadn't phased her one bit. I don't throw the word "love" around lightly, it was a pretty big issue for me, and she hadn't even had a reaction. And then there's all the times I complained about when she would talk about all her friends leaving while I was still there. And probably the one that gets me the most was that last weekend, when we went to Wilson, and I sat in her usual spot at the top of the slide while she and Misty sat at my spot at the bottom; she was telling Misty the story of her life, just like she had told me, and she was talking about all the times people had abandoned her, and all the bad relationships she'd been through, and I just knew at the end she wasn't going to go: "but at least Brett's still here" or anything like that. And while I didn't expect any type of major acclaim for being there for her and all that, I had imagined I'd merit some type of mention. But I knew if I left, ran out on her, then she'd mention me, then she'd say: "And there was this boy who always said he loved me, but then he left, just like the rest of them." But who knows, maybe she said something about me after I went back to the car. Either way, I should just let it go, "turn the page" as I like to say, and hope maybe she'll be a little more vocal in the future. But hell, I guess the main thing I should talk about is her depression, which is really what started this whole mess. When I used to be all depressed all the time too it was cool, "misery loves company" and all that, but after I changed it really hurt me to see her depressed. But I don't know, when I was depressed it didn't bother me, that's just the way I was, and even with as painful as it was it became almost like a drug, I started to enjoy it in a sick way after a while, but eventually I realized it was killing me, so I stopped. But I never had someone else there to be concerned about me, it was just me, myself, and I, and nobody was complaining. So I just went on like that until I decided to make a change. Like this one time I was argueing with Steph, I asked her why she couldn't realize what a great person she was, and she asked me if I would be able to admit to that, and I had to admit no. Stupid not being able to talk, I can't get this to come out the way I want it. Ummm... but the point I'm trying to make is: being depressed hadn't bothered me that much really, I had no will to change it until just recently, and I was expecting Stephanie to have a much bigger reaction to it than I had. I really doubt that sounded right, but I can't help it. The point is: I was expecting her to be at a place in her life that she wasn't at. So yeah, that was a lot of rambling for nothing. I still don't think it came out clearly. But the bottom line(I'm tired of saying point) is: I can't do anything about it either way, so I'd rather just try and accept it just to have the happy times together, rather than throw it all away just because ...well, I won't be able to put this right either. But I think you can get my point, whoever you are. None of this probably came out right, but to quote Fight Club: "When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake" I know that line's not really a direct quote, but it'll work, and that just goes more towards my point of: I'm tired, but not really. So that's my excuse for this thing being so not-quite-right. Yeah, either way, I miss Stephanie.

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