"Cold" 2002-07-28 - 4:11 a.m.

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**disclaimer***

bit of venting here

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I'm sure Stephanie wasn't trying to piss me off, and I wasn't really at first, but something she said is bothering me. She said she doesn't want someone who loves her and would do anything for her, she just wants a friend. Like I can control that. Like I thought: 'hey, maybe falling in love with a lesbian will be cool.', like I thought adding another tally to my chart of people I love that don't love me back would be what I needed. Now I'm more than happy to settle for just being her friend, and that's all I've wanted, but I can't control how I feel. I can't just stop loving her. When I first started hanging out with her in Biology class, before she invited me to that 'movie night' thing they had, I never thought I was gonna fall in love with her, I didn't plan this. *sigh*

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Venting Over

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Anyway, on a different note, I read Evan's diary. One entry simply said: *tear*. The next said he wanted some heroin. He's sworn off drugs, is quite vehemently against them, so for him to be wishing for heroin is pretty odd. And the '*tear*' entry before it signifies that he's quite troubled. Now while normally I'd be very concerned about this, I found as I read it that I didn't care. Then I read Robyn's diary, not a new entry but still one that mentions her problems. I found I couldn't care about that either. Then I read Stephanie's diary. As usual she was talking about problems she had, and most surprisingly to me, I still didn't care. The only reason I could come up with to explain this is that you can only be hurt so many times before you develop a callous. I've been depressed and worried about these three so much, that I guess I just snapped. I've stopped caring. I'm not angry at them in any way, but it's just like: 'oh, you're sad again, how shocking' I just can't bring myself to keep caring, when all it's gotten me is trouble and pain. So Steph: I already came to terms with you being depressed, but was a bit worried about what would happen next time you were depressed around me, but now I'm confident. Because I simply don't care. While I've made it abundantly clear that I love you, I can never do anything anyway, so what does it matter if I hurt too or not? And I know this sounds mean, but fuck it. I can't make myself care, and neither can anyone else. Caring and being sensitive never got me anything. I just ended up hurting all the time, trying to help people that didn't want it. And I don't just mean Stephanie there. But this was not a conscious decision I made, I didn't try to become callous and unfeeling, I just became that way. I could never help any of you anyway, all I could do was watch, well now the only difference is I'm no longer interested. It's the same thing over and over, like episodes of old tv shows, if you watch there's quite a few formulaic episodes that every old show has done, it's the same plot on different shows. And I'm tired of seeing that formula. I realize they're not responsible, and I'm not gonna yell at them, even though it probably sounds like I am now, I'm just not going to try in vain to do anything about it. So fuck, I'm gonna stop before I turn into a complete asshole, but I just thought I'd share the fact that(to sound overly dramatic) I've lost feeling in my heart.

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