"Feel The Pain" 2002-07-07 - 8:36 p.m.

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man, things could not be more confusing right now. Fuck. On the one hand, things are looking up with Evan. I sent him another e-mail, and we talked a bit on IM and things seem to definitely be looking up. This makes me happier than I can accurately describe, I want to dance and sing. But with as much joy as that fills me with, there's the other hand to consider as well. See things with Stephanie are getting awkward. The problem's been popping up for a while, and each time it gets bigger and bigger, and now it can't be contained. It all relates to her depression, and my wanting to help her. I know she has to figure it out on her own, she has to beat it by herself, but I can't sit there and do nothing. I've been trying but I can't. All the things I said before still hold true; I still love her, I still care more for her than I do for myself or anyone else, I still can't describe how happy she makes me. But at the same time, my being there while she figures herself out isn't helping. All my being there will do is make things complicated and end badly. Since there's really no right thing I can do here, I'm going to choose the least wrong thing I can think of. Steph, I know you'll read this, so try to understand: I still want to be your friend, I'm not abandoning you, and I don't blame you for anything, I just know that by staying as close to you as I'm trying to be now will only end up hurting both of us in the long run. You're not doing anything wrong, it's me who can't do the right thing. I just think I should step back a little. I still want to hang out with you, but not everyday, just like how you call up Catherine or Cody or Sara every once in a while, I want things to be like that, at least for now. Maybe one day we can hang out everyday again, if you still want to, or even live together, but for now I think we should kind of lay off eachother for a while. I'll still be there for you if you need me, but I think the least painful way to handle this is for me to back off a little. I know this is probably the wrong time to do this, but it needs to be done. I hope, no, pray you can find someone else that can be what you need, but I don't think it's me. Hell, last night Misty helped you far more than I did. I'm sorry, but this is the best thing I can think of. I still want to be your friend, and I still love you, and I hope you understand. You can call me or talk to me on IM or whatever, I'm not running away, but I think this is the best thing to do. So call me sometime when you're bored and have no one else to hang out with. I'm sorry.

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