"The Man Who Sold The World" 2002-07-07 - 1:07 a.m.

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well, here I am at Stephanie's, the worst I've been in a while. Not being at her house, the way I'm feeling. See today has been quite the roller-coaster. It started when Stephanie called me up and woke me up, after about half an hour she called me back, and instead of rushing out and leaving, I had been leisurely going through my morning routine. She asked why I hadn't left yet and I answered: "I was sitting enjoying a cup of coffee." Even reading it now makes me laugh. It was definitely a high. Then I went to her house, sat there for half an hour, then we went to pick up Misty. I got to play her bass again, which is cool because her amp is bad ass. Higher. Then we came back here and watched the Dark Crystal. Higher still. Gee, maybe this wouldn't compare so much to a rollercoaster so much as a dramatic change. The change came when Mariah showed up with Evan and Jill in tow. Now, in case I haven't mentioned it before, Jill and Evan used to be friends of ours, until they turned on Stephanie for whatever reasons(which they failed to mention to her, by the way). Now, of course, this is bad. We were playing pool, and I was being all sullen, because I knew their being there wouldn't end well. See in addition to Stephanie's feelings with Evan, I have been trying to patch things up with him, and I knew his being here was going to bring things to a conclusion, and with Stephanie around things would probably be awkward and not to my liking, simply because the two still hated eachother, and I would probably be forced to choose a side, which I did not want to do. So despite the fact that Stephanie was acting happy, I was probably undermining it by being depressed, which is something I'm trying to stop doing. So then I got to find out what would've happened had I stuck around the other day when Evan first did all this, I walked into Steph's room and found her crying. I tried to comfort her but could only keep repeating "It'll be ok". I just kept praying that I could come up with something that would actually help, that I wasn't so bad at dealing with others. I at least got her to calm down, then I went to clean up the pool table, I came back to find Misty making her laugh, and the two seeming to be having a good time again. I almost wept with relief. Then we went upstairs to watch My Neighbor Totoro. I thought it was a bad idea, but they insisted. It actually may have turned out to be the best idea of the night, as Jill, Evan, and Stephanie started getting along again. They were actually laughing together and having fun, just like 'old times'. At first I was almost back to weeping with relief, but then a thought struck me. I tried to keep it down, but it kept rising until it took over my night. The thought that no matter how much fun they're having now, by tomorrow, or the day after, everything will be back the way it was. Evan will be avoiding Stephanie, Jill will be talking shit again, and Stephanie will be back to hurting. The thought became so powerful that it literally took over my night, and despite the fact that I should be appreciating this, I've been sitting alone and being depressed, and singing the chorus of "The Man Who Sold the World" to myself. I keep thinking this must be how kids with their parents divorcing must feel. All I want is for the three of them to get along, for us to be "one big happy family" again, but I know it probably won't happen. I've been thinking of ways to try and make it happen, which basically consists of sitting down and talking it out, but my pessimism's been getting the best of me, and I just keep thinking it won't work. And it sucks.