"Feel the Pain" 2002-07-07 - 8:59 p.m.

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Motherfucker. I just wrote a long and emotional entry(oh wait, I mean a normal entry), and it got deleted. But to correct my former wisecrack, this entry was pretty important. To sum up:

I'm confused as usual, this time I've got astoundingly good news and astoundingly awkward news.

Good News - Evan and me talked on IM, I sent him another e-mail, things seem to be looking up.

Awkward News - I've commented many times about Stephanie's depression, and how the right thing to do is let her beat it on her own, and not do anything. The problem is I can't. No matter how much I try not to, I still try to help her, and I get the feeling it's only making things harder for her. Last night proved to me that even Misty, who Stephanie rarely sees, is more comforting than I am. And the conclusion I've come to is that there's no right thing for me to do, so I'm going to choose the least wrong thing I can think of. I'm going to step back, not try to be as close to her as I have been lately. I still want to be her friend, I still love her, she still means more to me than anyone else, but I think the best thing I can do for her is to simply 'lay off' a little. Steph, I know you'll read this, and I want you to know I still want to be your friend, but like Cody or Catherine, how you only call them every so often, I don't think seeing you every day and trying to be this close to you will help you. I don't blame you for anything, this is just the only way I can think of not to hurt you. I pray that you can find someone that can be what you need, and I'll be around, just not so much. Someday I hope we can go back to seeing eachother everyday, and maybe if you still want to even live together, but for a while I think we should stop hanging out so much. I know this is the wrong time to do this, but it's also the wrong time for me to stick around, eventually we'd repeat our conversation we had on IM tonight in person, and things would end up much worse. As it is I know this will hurt, but I want you to know I still want to be your friend, I just don't think I can be that close to you. I'm sorry, but this is all I can think of to do that won't end in tragedy. I hope you can find someone that can be what you need, but I know that's not me. I'll be around, just call me the next time you're bored and have no one else to hang out with. I'm sorry.

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