"Violet" 2002-06-30 - 1:01 a.m.

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my last entry was far too sappy. Not even that quote from Bottom could save it. I have to write this just to wash the taste away from that one. The truth is I'm just changing. I'm not the same person I was when I started writing in this thing. And even though the quote from Bottom sums up much more how I feel, when I talk about it it comes out sounding like that last entry. But so much of my life was based around my depression, that taking that away leaves me looking around for something to cling to. All I want to do right now is get together with a band, make music, I'd give anything for it. But regardless of how things work out with Evan, it'll be a while before that happens. Fuck, even if it was just me and one other person we could do it, if that person played drums. But right now I could put together a band with everything BUT drums. But fuck it, 'no other choice' right? Just have to keep going. But I can't stand waiting, it's one of the few things that really bothers me. No matter how badly I want something, the waiting is always the hardest part. Fuck. I should go out and try and meet women. Become even more like what I used to despise. I don't know, it wouldn't be for sex though, so I guess it wouldn't be that bad. That's the thing, I'm sexually attracted to boys and girls, but I want a relationship, and I just can't see myself in a relationship with a guy. I don't know, it's probably something psychological with my mom, like somewhere subconsciously I'm so afraid of bringing home my boyfriend to meet my mom that by the time the thought reaches my conscious mind, it's just that I can't see myself in a relationship with a guy. But I'm not really worried about it, it's not like people are falling over themselves to meet me. My life just feels so banal and pointless, like I'm posing for pictures all the time, like it's all fake or something. Like I'm just a background character in someone else's life, I'm only conscious because I have lines. I wonder if this is what it's like to people in AA, or recovering drug addicts. So much of your life revolved around that one thing, and even though it was bad for you, you loved it. But now it's gone, and there doesn't seem to be anything left. Shit. I'm just in a transitional period, from old me to the oh-so-cliched 'new me'. I hate transitional periods I have to go through one every time I move, which is far more than everyone else I know, and they always suck. Except I'm not in a new place, I'm the only thing that's changed, and I have to be different in the same place. A new picture in the same frame. I wish I was tired, so I could go to sleep and start the next day. Goddamnit, now I'm back to fighting off depression. Jesus Christ. I should've done something with Stephanie today, I should've tried to get ahold of Evan. I should've done SOMETHING. Damnit. Damnit, damnit, damnit. Why is there nothing to cheer me up? Maybe I'll play guitar, that might help. Later

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