"Eulogy" 2002-07-01 - 12:21 a.m.

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This is too goddamn hard. I built my life so well for the old me, that all I had was depression, I had nowhere else to go. I want so bad to be happy, to change, but there's no way out of my old life. I can't help it, there's no one to cheer me up, nothing to do, nowhere to go. I do not want this. I don't want my new life, I don't want my old life, I don't want me. I just want to escape, be somebody else. I would give anything for a significant other right now, someone to caress my cheek, tell me everything will be allright and just hold me. I'd give anything for that. GODDAMN ME!!! Why can't I be anything but nothing? I'm just a fucking depressed loser, even when I try and find happiness, I can't. Please, someone, anyone, help me. I can't do this on my own, I NEED help. But the only person I have is Stephanie, and she has her own problems, I'd sink back into my hole before I'd think of worrying her with my shit. I'm sorry Steph, I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm sorry that helping you isn't the right thing to do, but I want to do it anyway. I'm sorry you have to care about me. I'm sorry if my shit worries you in any way. I'm sorry I can't do anything but fucking sit and say "I'm sorry". It's all I can ever do. Why can't I do this? Everyone else is so fucking happy, there's so many bloody happy people out there, and I just can't make it. There's an episode of the show "The Shield", the best show on television, where they have to help a cracked out prostitute friend of the main character get sober. They sit with her all day while she vomits and goes through hell to get clean. But then at the end she sneaks out and buys more crack. Well that's what I fucking did, I let myself get depressed again. I fell back, relapsed, whatever. Why can't I just be happy? you know what? FUCK THAT!!! FUCK THIS!!! FUCK ME, FUCK YOU, FUCK EVERYTHING!!! I hate myself so much for asking that. There I fucking go again, the same old bullshit. I can do this, I can fight this. Fuck you!! Fuck all of you!! But most of all, fuck Evan. All I wanted to do was talk to him, work everything out, make him happy again. I sent him a note on his diary telling him to read a few of the entries I wrote about him, but today he wrote me a note back saying he wouldn't read them and wasn't changing his mind about anything. That's what started this whole mess. All I ever want to do is fucking help people, but nobody wants to be helped. Steph doesn't, Evan doesn't, fuck, so what if that's everybody I know?! I don't have to justify shit! And now I'm yelling over something stupid like how I only know two people. Goddamnit. But back to my shit: If 'happiness is helping others' no wonder I can't be happy. Fuck. I can't blame Steph, helping her isn't the way to go. A lot of her issues are enough like mine that I know they have to take their own course, nobody else can help. But Evan I can blame. I'm trying harder not to villify Evan than I am to stop being depressed, but I can't. He made himself the villain. Everything he's doing is just plain wrong, I can't find anything he's doing worth defending. I want so bad to be understanding, but I can't. If he wants to be the fucking villain, then fuck him. I hope he dies an agonizing, sticky death. I'll find another drummer, I'll make more friends, I'll just fucking forget all the good times we had, just like he did. Evan, you won't read this, but I hope you know that if I see your ass on a crosswalk, I won't stop. I hate you so much, you will be the effigy I burn. I'll pin my hatreds of myself on you, erase them with my memories of you. I'll turn my self-loating on you. I'll vent on the only thing I can forgive myself for venting on, you want to be the villain, you will be. You want to burn this bridge, it's fucking burnt, if you ever fucking try to come back into my life, you'll get this shit from me. I'll hurt you for hurting me, I'll hurt you for hurting Steph. I'll impotently write shit about you in my diary, because it'll make me feel better. You hurt me, and so I'll cauterize the wound, I'll cut you out of my life, I'll burn any second chances I was saving for you, don't ever come back. Fuck, after all that hatred, a little humor. I feel an intense need to punctuate this entry with some type of witty closing phrase; but I've sworn off the 'quoth the Raven' line, so I'm stuck with nothing to say. Ah well, here's one I stopped using for a long time: Have a nice day!!

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