"Sappy" 2002-06-29 - 11:31 p.m.

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Today I took a break from everything. I took a day off, just sat at home, called no one, no one called me. I did nothing all day. It was boring but comfortable. I don't know, I'm just not cut out for this whole 'other people' thing. The situation I'm in now is more than I ever wanted when dealing with people. I'm just meant to be solitary, a loner. I do better on my own. Hell, I can't even talk about this shit with Evan anymore, and Stephanie. I can't help her, I can never be what she needs, and everthing I do just always seems to me to keep hurting her. I think the best thing I could possibly do would be to just take off, like Evan. Except without slamming people in my diary and being a dick about it. But just say I'm sorry and leave. But you know what? I won't. I look at life as a long and ultimately pointless journey, and the only way to inject any value is to just be happy, make yourself happy, do what you want, just live. And despite the fact that I've had a bumpy road, and have been knocked on my ass quite a few times, I always get up, I always keep going. Because there's no other choice. Yeah, maybe things are shitty now, and even if they get better they'll only get worse again, but at least by trying I'll have those little times in the middle. The meaning of life, as far as I can figure, is just to appreciate happiness when you can, appreciate what you can have, don't worry, be happy. So even though things are down now, I'll shoulder it, like I've shouldered worse, and carry on until I have something to be happy about again. I hate how I'm sounding now. I sound like all those people that I used to say were full of shit, preaching about happiness when I had none. But fuck it, who cares? There's nothing to do but keep going, might as well just go on and not drag my feet. One way or the other, this shit will conlude, and then we'll see where we go from there. Now, to keep this entry from being complete crap, I will quote the spoken word part of Bottom, by Tool, as said by Henry Rollins on the Undetow CD. This goes out to the old me:

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. In order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you. There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against you. There is no other choice. Shameless now. Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now. But my soul must be iron, 'cause my fear is naked. I'm naked and fearless, and my fear is naked.

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