"Leave it behind" 2002-06-26 - 11:47 p.m.

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Fuck. My first day as one of the "happy people". My first day trying to live. I suddenly have the most powerful urge I've ever had to listen to "The Day I Tried To Live" by Soundgarden. So I will. Man what a great song. Anyway, today was like any other day, except when a Manic Depressive switch came along to depressed mode came, I fought it off. When evil me chimed in by saying "fag" over and over, I just ignored it. I've done this before, and I always go back to my regular depressed self, but this time I'm going to fight for it, this time I'm actually going to change my life. I can't stand the old me. I can't stand to be that facet of myself anymore. Sadly, part of that is changing my appearance, as shallow as that sounds, I can't become somebody else if I still see the same person in the mirror. Fuck. It feels so stupid to say that, it feels like when I had to pose for those pictures in full "Raven" attire yesterday, with the photographer saying: "Look cool.", but fuck, I laughed and did that, so I'll laugh and do this. I'll go hippy like Trevor, dread my hair, ditch my flannel, leave my band shirts in the drawer and start wearing tie-dye. But hell if I'm giving up my shorts and converse, I practically live in those; and my Sandman shirt, that's just freaking cool. This is so much hyppocritical crap, but hey, so is having any type of "look", including grunge. It's just trading one for another, what difference does it make? Today I went to Trevor's with Evan, he's just as good at guitar as I thought he'd be. Plus he has all sorts of equipment and effects, it's quite nifty. And he was burning incence(I know it's spelled wrong, leave me alone), all day I've had the scent of that in my nose. As soon as I acquire more money, I'm buying incense(see above). I should also buy hair beads, so I can dread my hair sooner. This 'image' stuff(which the insence is not part of) is making me mildly sick to talk about, but hey, it's what I'm thinking, and besides, it doesn't make me half as sick as the "I hate myself" stuff I used to constantly bitch about. It's funny, my attitude about myself was always "this is how I am, you don't like it, tough shit" to everybody else, but not myself. Nothing was ever good enough for myself, the bad stuff, no matter how inconsequential was always foremost in my mind. But fuck, the bad shit happens, and I can't change that, and I can't change who or what I am(on a more spiritual type scale), so why should I fucking bitch about what I don't have? I'm not going to turn shallow and stupid, I hope, and I'm not going to go out for sports, or change my favorite color from black to yellow or something, or start waving american flags. But fuck it(I'm the only one who'll understand this next part); I hereby resign from Raven's Flock. That's it, fuck all my self-destructive bullshit, fuck all my "I hate myself" crap that's not getting me anywhere. Time to fucking pull myself outta my hole, and start building my life. My deppresion was a significant part of myself, but all things change. I'm done with that shit now, I'm not gonna blame myself for how I was, but I'm not gonna dwell on it either. At the end of the movie 'SLC Punk', the lead guy sees the holes in his punk philosiphy, sees the problems with his lifestyle, shaves his head, puts on a suit, and goes to Harvard. Looks like this is the end of my movie. I aint shavin' my head, and I aint goin' to Harvard, but I am growing up, leaving myself behind. So it is written, and so it shall come to pass;(for the last time) Quoth the Raven -Nevermore!

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