"Optimistic" 2002-06-26 - 12:10 a.m.

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hey boys and girls, did you ever think of doing heroine just so it would kill you, not for the high? *sigh*, more problems, more problems. Fuck, at least I won't be freaking out this entry. My current problem is Steph and Evan. Really this is Evan's fault, but he's not really doing it on purpose. See, Steph and Mariah are twin sisters, and Evan and I are friends with both of them, Evan moreso than I. See the thing is, before Evan left for Washington, he started ditching Stephanie and hanging out with Mariah more, and he's doing it again now that he's back. Apparently he does this alot, but he always comes back to Steph. Now, the thing is, in ditching Steph he's ditching me, this is counterproductive for the band. To be fair he asked for 2 days upon his return, which I've given him. But if he ditches me tomorrow, then I'll be pissed in earnest. Plus he was ditching out on band business before the trip, but it was a pretty major trip so I can forgive him. So as annoying as this is, the problem really falls between Stephanie and Evan. See, Stephanie and Mariah have sibling rivalry, when Steph had no friends Mariah would make fun of her because she apparently had a lot. Then the tides turned and Steph had all the friends(this is from what Stephanie has told me, I believe her, there's no reason not to, hell there's proof of this next part), so Mariah started hanging out with Stephanie's friends. So sometimes Evan goes and ditches Steph for Mariah, and it's like Mariah is stealing Stephanie's friend, Steph and Evan are pretty close, he means a lot to her, so understandably this bothers her a lot. But Evan doesn't see it like that. He's friends with both Mariah and Stephanie, and he should be able to spend time with both, it would be unfair to Mariah to completely ignore her for Stephanie. The thing is, neither of them are wrong, but neither of them are right either. There's no "good" or "bad" here. That's what makes it a problem. But why is this my problem, as opposed to theirs which I should stay out of? Well for one I've kind of become Stephanie's lap-dog, for two he's been ditching me for Mariah as well, which not only bothers me becuase I like him but because of the band thing as well, and for three I've volunteered to discuss this with Evan. I've been discussing it with Stephanie for quite some time. The thing is(damn there's a lot of 'thing's...), because there's no 'right' or 'wrong' here, there's no 'right' way to resolve this. Unfortunately there's a ton and a half of 'wrong' ways. I don't know, this shouldn't be that complicated, it wouldn't be if Evan didn't COMPLETELY ditch me and Steph for Mariah, and I mean for long periods of time. When he's with me and Steph, if Mariah's around he'll usually invite her to hang out with us, which we usually don't mind, but when he goes off with Mariah he completely ditches us. Completely. Fuck, why the hell is this a problem? How come every goddamn little thing has to be so fucking complicated? And where the fuck did all my optimism go? Right now I'm viewing this as: I can either hurt one of them by taking a side, or I can hurt both of them by simply withdrawing. A few years ago I would've viewed this as a challenge, see if I can pull it off without hurting either. Damn I wish I had some optimism. It's so funny, I always comment about Stephanie's pessimism when I have absolutely no room to talk. Then I say:"oh, I'm just commenting objectively, I'm not saying it's good or bad" what a load of crap. Ah fuck, why is this still the beginning of my life? Why can't this be the end. I mean, I'm not out of high school yet, my band is still forming, I can't seem to get around to finishing the first issue of paint it black, and I still live with my parents. Why can't I already have finished Paint it Black and several other series'? Why can't my band have a Behind the Music already? Why can't I be living in a big fucking house that I own? Why can't I be dying? But fuck, death is just another beginning. And the afterlife, whatever it may be, lasts forever. Shit, when I think of all the living I'm gonna have to do, it makes me sick. But what the hell, I don't really have a choice in the matter, so fuck, I'll take this as a challenge, I'll try and make a fucking "right way" I'll grin and bear it, and I'll stop bitching all the damn time about "why this? and why that?" fuck, all that's doing is killing me inside, when there's no way in hell I can go through life dead on the inside. Fuck, I'm 17 and a half, time to fucking grow up. I need a job, I need to get Evan behind his fucking drums, I need to start drawing, and I need to stop sitting on my ass and whining while shit happens anyway. One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption, sums this up pretty damn well: "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." That's damn right.

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