"Last Night" 2002-06-25 - 5:56 p.m.

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*sigh*, time to explain last night's entry in a calm and rational manner. And with much less use of the word 'fuck'. maybe. It's really not that complicated I suppose, just confusing and annoying. I really am happy being just friends with Stephanie. But it's human nature to reach out to others for a connection, to find someone else to share our life with. It's a value we're half born with and half taught. So when someone(say, me) finds someone else they connect with really well(like, say, Stephanie), the natural impulse is to form a relationship. And even if a complication(like say, my penis) arises(shut up, I didn't mean it like that), that impulse is hard to rid yourself of due to how deep it is impressed into our psyches. So even though I'm happy just being her friend, I can't get rid of that impulse. In most cases that impulse could be surpressed, and saved for another person, whom there would be no complications with; but I have complexes and psychiatric problems, manifested in the form of an "evil me" that I see inside my head, who always tells me how bad I'm doing, and likes to bring up thoughts, or say, Impulses, that I don't like or agree with that bother me, so I can say I'm thinking all these thoughts I absolutely hate. It's hard to explain exactly, like, I'm all for racial unity, I despise the idea that we can seperate people because of the tone of their skin; but when I see a 'black' person, evil me thinks: "nigger" and then it's like I thought it, and evil me tells me how bad of a racist I am, despite how bad I despise rasists and the idea of dividing people into 'races'. It doesn't make much sense but that's how I think. And so despite how really happy I am just being friends with Stephanie, evil me brings up that stupid impulse to torture me with. I just can't handle it sometimes, and so I freak out, like last night, I just haven't had a diary to write it in and scare other people with before. But anyway, I hope this helped anyone. Because we all know so many people read my diary. Ah well, I'll put in a better entry later.

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